how do we define friends?

I remember feeling kind of odd, when I see my friends on the street and we give your other a cursory smile and wave, and continue on our way. Then after a while, a text will appear on my handphone, asking me about stuff which really doesn't matter.

Which makes me think, who are the people who we would call friends? How do we define them, and what do you think friends should be like? Sometimes I feel that the simplest form of definition would be a pure form of sincerity. I was told that even between friends, there is never such a thing as non-rivalry (aka comparison), but the line that divides friends from "friends", will be that between real friends, comparison is done in good taste. True friends will be envious of another, whereas friends whom you thought are friends but who turn out otherwise, are often jealous (note that envy and jealousy are 2 similar but vastly different things), and you often suspect if they might pepper their jealousy with malicious remarks when they make a mention of you to their friends.

It made me wonder, who my true friends are, and although I had trouble with it, I think I could feel comfortable enough to count a few off my fingers. At least that comforted me a little. Although I still think friends are a transient concept, at least for this certain window of my life, I will have these few ones to walk through this short passage with me. There are a lot of people I have encountered over the course of my 20-odd years of life and whom I can readily open up to them, tell them my life story, my happiness and my sorrows. I used to think I make myself become like a open book, and then start to ponder if it actually renders me vulnerable. But then, those are pages of my history which I will really like to put behind me, and somehow maybe talking about them helps me accelerate the process of turning the book. It doesn't matter that after a while, these people will walk out of my life, the perpetual waiting room that I have envisioned it to be. What matters is that, during this time when I have known them and told them my story and shared theirs, I could term them my friends. Maybe it is with this thought that I can offer my sincerest form of friendship to them, and not have to hide my truest form, and pretend to be someone else.

Mindless prose

There is nothing I can do,
to affect the minds of another.
If the past is held as better,
what should I make of the present?


If I am not good enough,
If I am not brave enough,
If I am not strong enough,
For all the follies I have committed,
The lack of smiles that you are wont to have,
The words that come not from me,
And thoughts that swirled in me,
Please forgive me when I do.

Forgiven but not forgotten

Sometimes I wonder if I'm being hypocritical towards this friend of mine. We used to be quite close, if not the best of friends. It all started some years ago in uni days and in most cases, it's about a guy. Ok, it's not the conventional "fighting over a man" thing, but it's more about me feeling being cheated by her.

How shall I tell this story? Basically, I fell in love with this guy. She became sort of like someone that I confided in about this (for almost half a year) and she admitted she sometimes did try to bring us together. Then one fine day, she confessed to me that she also liked the person and each time she tried to "create opportunities" for us or heard me talk about him, she felt painful. What is this!? Did she expect me to be grateful, to feel guilty or something? I was totally stunned. What hurt me most was this was my best friend (then) and she lied to me, or rather hid from me. I don't mind if she told me she liked him too from the beginning (he was indeed quite attractive...think quite a no. of gals liked him), probably we might both laugh about it, discuss it like sisters or something and I'll probably not talk so much about him too, but she had to hide it from me & then throw this bomb at me. Was this a tactic or something? And what's more, she told her mum about all these. Yah, she told me that she told her mum everything and about me too? About this common interest in a guy too? Now I wonder what her mum thinks of me...did she see me as the one who was "obstructing" her daughter or gloating now? Her mother quite pamper her as she's the only child. I don't know. I lost my trust in this friend. I did not want to confide in her anymore.

It took me a while to start to 'forgive' her, a few months to get over the shock & confusion first. This was when I told GOD that I would take one semester of celibacy when I would focus on Him alone & all other things will have to wait. It was also a time which I decided to let go of this guy becoz I knew it was not healthy...I believed it was becoming a bondage to me. If GOD intended him to be with me, he will but if not, I should let it go. When I told GOD this, I felt the blade severe this bondage.

So as things moved on, in that semester, there was 1 day that I called her, I think was to meet her for lunch or something. We were staying in the hostel then & I've already slowly recovered from that shock & decided to be good friends with her...after all, I thought that friends are more impt. Somehow, she sounded weird to me & strangely I seemed to have the sixth sense that he was there with her. She sounded hesistant & told me she would call me later. I knew at that moment that they were together (they really only just got together). (Hmm...got powerful 6th sense...maybe GOD was purposely making me call at that time) Why did she need to hide from me...again! Later, when she called, I asked her, was he there just now, so that she had to confess.
Finally, 1 day, at the end of my celibacy, I decided it was time to "tan pan" with her, to tell her all about this. Basically, I told her how I felt from that time and that she was forgiven, but that the matter was not forgotten. How do I forget betrayal? Unless I lost my memory; these are events. Will she continue to be so?

I have no more feelings for the guy now (got over it after a year) and they are married now anyway. He's totally out of the picture. But from that fateful day of her "confession", I knew something was lost. There will always be something between us (a mistrust?) and I won't be able to confide in her fully ever again. It made me decide not to trust anyone too fully next time, to not confide so easily in others. Only GOD is the best confidante.

About being hypocritical, I sometimes wonder if I'm forcing myself to remind myself that I've forgiven her. I wonder too if I've really accepted her as being my good friend still (I admit that she will never be a best friend again). I have this conflict within me on whether I've truly forgiven her or not, or is it like The Corrs' song Forgiven, not Forgotten. Am I putting on an act in front of her & others? Am I so superficial, so hypocritical? I still feel awkward sometimes and I remember all these, but when I do, I do not know if it still hurts or am I already numbed. I wonder if she knows.

Fortunately, I still have a friend now whom I know I can trust. She is my only best friend. To be fair, I also have some other good friends that are reliable. I thank GOD for them.