Dreams?

Recently, I was sharing with a friend/colleague about my potential transfer. It's not confirmed yet, pending HR/senior mgt approval, but both divisions are agreeable.

My friend said I finally got my dream job. As I thought about it, my heart told me that that may not be true. Well, maybe if this offer came some years ago, I might have thought so. But then again, I did have a dream job over 2 years ago before I became manager.

As I thought further, I recalled that ultimately, my dream was to eventually serve in the worship team one day. My heart is also for arts education that can be related to my Christian values.

One never knows what God plans for us, but he leads the way and reveals to us the desires of our hearts as we grow.

Not feeling, not caring

It's been about a month since I submitted my 'resume for the future'.
I don't know if it's really myself leaving things in God's hands or I have reached the stage of resignation. I wouldn't say I'm still in the handover mood (but I wished I could really hand over), but I'm just doing stuff that is more like clearing things up in prep of what may come; completing legacy projects.

I think it's really scary to say that I don't care anymore. I feel guilty about it as I shouldn't be, at least for the sake of my staff. No, I wouldn't say I no longer have a passion for the arts or belief in the place I work, but I'm more like ”heck care all these corporate woes” and ”what's the point of it all”? Maybe I don't know how to manage people. Maybe I'm just tired. Today I had another session with staff about workplan. Taking in their comments, this time round I actually didn't feel anything. Am I numb? Previously I often took it to heart the things they say and concerned if I'm doing the things right for them and trying to seeing their perspective. And I get upset when it seems like we're not getting anywhere and that I've let them down. Today, I just didn't feel anything. Maybe I don't care anymore? I'm also afraid that I'm mistrusting them. Maybe I'm being paranoid but I wonder if they've been talking about me behind my back or have been avoiding me except for work.

Maybe I've let go and the step I took was really my step of faith in leaving it in God's hands and that's where I get my peace from, to just continue doing things till God calls. Really, I started not bothering when I submitted my resume. I've been looking out for open doors within the organisation but I've also drafted my exit letter if God is calling me outside (it's just missing the date). Honestly, I'm just going about doing the necessary and to complete 2 major projects that should end in July. Maybe that is when God will call me to move.

About openings in the organisation. I have not come across something that speaks to me, i.e. God saying 'take this'. In my past moves, it seemed very clear and inevitable. I also feel unqualified for some of the interesting ones. However, I just heard some news that maybe I can consider but it isn't really something that I had wanted to go into as it's not developing me in the field I want to. But it is something I think I can do ok in, something administrative. I also don't want to use it as the chance to escape but leave soon after which isn't responsible. I wish for a clearer sign or hint from God so that I may know the step to take. I feel that I might have missed some opportunities earlier but at that point, I felt the need to finish up some legacy projects and complete my 2-year term. I hope I got that right. Come to think of it, the following week will be the fulfillment of my 2 years in this current position. I hope that it is also the drawing closer of the end of 1 phase and the start to a fresh beginning. Maybe something will happen then?

Missing Out

It's been almost 2 years and I feel drained and burnt out. Maybe it's poor time management, maybe it's just loss of passion or simply age, but I've never felt so tired.

Ever since I took on a managerial role, I feel I've lost many things and while I took it on as a learning experience, I guess I'm not really cut out for it to lead in this manner and my strongest desire is to relinquish my position and to return to developing myself professionally as a librarian. I won't say I'm giving up or don't care anymore (oh well, maybe a little), but I feel I have done what I can do for the department and it is time for me to move on. Inevitably, I had to ask myself - why did I join the organisation in the first place? Because I wanted to be a librarian. I never hankered for a managerial position as I am not the ambitious sort, and my concept of progression is to learn new things in my role as a librarian and progress in that direction.

My current position has more or less killed what little creativity I had with all the administration and operational woes that comes with it. I have less bandwidth to think outside. What I miss doing:

- solitude time to reflect, especially with God
- reading
- dabbling in music
- watching performances
- watching movies
- meeting up with friends
- writing/blogging
- sleeping
- exercising (ok, this is not really true, but I do wished I could do more of this)
- thinking
- shopping

I'm taking each day at a time.

What is my purpose now in the organization?

Anyway, I've been looking for an open door which will lead me out of this situation. I believe I have served my time and need to move on before I "kill" myself with this unhappiness. I believe I have a calling elsewhere eventually so what's the next step? While I am first looking within the organisation, if God calls me elsewhere, I will not hesitate to go. Actually, when such things happen, it is usually an indication from God that it's time to move. He wouldn't ruffle things up like this. Of course, before I move on, I would like to complete a project that I have on hand which should end when I reach my 2-year term as a manager.

Actually I foresee a future possibility where I could serve God. This is a place outside my current organisation but the place does not exist yet. Hence I believe that there might be a place within the organisation I would need to go to first before going to this new place.

The future place I'm talking about is a place which is a dream of our SP that he shared last year and it struck a chord in my heart. It made me ponder if that was really why God has brought me through the various places so far. I had shared this with my cell leader and unexpectedly, she acted upon it for me. One thing led to another and I just did something that I'm actually quite nervous about because after that, I recalled that God has the tendency to suddenly uproot me and put me in a new place before I know it, as in my previous 2 career moves. If it is God's will, I will follow, but I'm really nervous as I consider the things I will need to give up and explain to my parents. However, this Sunday, I suddenly don't have the restlessness I've been feeling in the past few weeks. Over the weeks, I had been very contemplative and had been having the strong urge and sensing that God is bringing me somewhere and the calling He has for me. This feeling was the strongest during service like a voice calling from my soul. But this week, I don't feel it anymore especially after what I've done...is it a sign that I've done the right thing and am finding peace, leaving it with God's hands?

Strangely, I am in a handover mood these days, doing things with a view that I won't be where I am in a few months time even though there is no firm knowledge of where I'll be then. I've never felt this even in the days when I moved earlier. Is it something in me that is preparing me for the unseen future? Whether it is in the current organisation or not, I realise that with the amount of leave I've accumulated, I don't even need to serve any notice if I were to leave and can leave immediately.

2014 thoughts and reflections

Another year has passed and it seemed to have gone by in a flash. Somehow, I am prompted to take measure of the happenings and many thoughts just came to mind.

It has been a whirlwind year and I feel that it was really crazy. Has life become so fast-paced that we can't take a breather? Has the hours shortened or more things are expected as the world advances? In any case, I shall start with a happier mention.

I graduated this year with my new Masters in Arts and Cultural Management. Now thinking back, I wondered how I survived all the evening classes, readings and assignments in the past 1.5 years. I doubt I'll take another degree again, having received a Bachelor and 2 Masters. I must be getting old as it was physically very tiring as compared to my other masters 10 years ago. I was working too then and had to travel to NTU some more. This time, it was in town near my workplace but it felt more tiring. Anyway, I took this 2nd masters for interest and I learned a lot more about the industry. Not that I enjoy studying coz I'm a very lazy person. But I made some good friends along the way, and hope we'll still keep in touch.

I guess the more eventful part of the year would be that I took on a new role at work the day I handed in my thesis. Strange really that it all seemed like such perfect timing. The new role was challenging and I took a few months to settle in it, and am still learning. I took it on out of belief in what our division head had discussed, though the official implementation of the new scope for my role is still pending. I also did it out of passion for where I worked and really hope I can do something for it and the team.
Right now, I'm busier than ever and this year seemed even more than last year at my workplace. It's not really because I took on more duties since I did cover a bit here and there, but there have been more demands, even deadlines till the last day of the year. It's not just me feeling it. However, these past couple of weeks, it dawned on me that I have taken a big risk in that I might not be able to continue my professional track after this and totally forgo what my passion is in. I was also thinking to myself recently and am beginning to have doubts on my career progression (somehow I begin to feel the competition). I never used to think so much about it and hope to prove myself, partially also worrying if I'm a good boss to my staff. Fortunately, though I am still trying to let the thought set in, I was reminded that where I was was where God had put me. And whatever it is, if I have served my purpose and it was time for me to go, I will have to go.  What matters now is that I do my best, not just for myself, but in consideration of others. What I do now will have impact on the team and I really want to make it work, even if difficulties abound. I understand I may not stay here forever and need to groom others too in the event that I move on. Not that I am worried that my staff will overtake me. In fact, I hope to help them plan their progression. Who knows if I will stay on in the organisation in a few years time (not that I have plans to leave) as God may lead me elsewhere.
The only problem I have is my communication skills. I really have poor presentation skills (I get too nervous and am too honest...haha not good at packaging) and can't really deal with customers well especial in dealing with complaints and saying no. These might be my stumbling block.

How do I manage people?

Had a kind of "showdown" session with my staff today. Well, that's exaggerating, but it was more like a feedback session from them. Not the angry kind lah...also because year end review coming, so they wanted to clear the air before that.

They were saying that they don't feel appreciated by me as I don't really tell them so often. Although they still believe that I don't do it intentionally, and it's just the way I communicate.

No, I didn't feel offended or anything, but I think it's good they share with me their feelings rather than have them repressed, this thorn. I believe this thorn has become a sting and whenever I say something that is neutral, it begins to sound negative, which is all a misunderstanding.

I am not a very direct person or good at communicating my thoughts. And I am not expressive. My friends have commented that I am "cold" or seem aloof, and one even referred me to Mona Lisa or even ice queen, not knowing what goes on in my mind. No, I'm not spontaneous and maybe I lag in responding because I analyse too much. Or maybe because I'm just slow in reacting. Is it the detached way of mine?

I don't express much and maybe I don't compliment people much, not because I don't appreciate them. So I began reflecting. Is it my background? My family isn't super strict, but I don't recall compliments coming that easily though. Maybe it was the unsaid. Maybe that's why I also don't receive compliments well; I get caught off guard at how to react when someone compliments me. I only started reminding myself to thank people when they do in recent years and it still feels awkward to me. Am too critical of myself and as such, am critical of others?
Actually, maybe to me the silent way is acknowledging that they are doing okay, and I don't worry about them. However, they want something certain or directional in that sense to know how they are doing. And if I do ask about progress, I really just want to know the progress and what's going on, not really wanting to restrict them but showing interest in what they are doing. Not micro-managing because I do trust them, and when I ask them to do things, I know they can do it, and not just "ordering" them about. Hmm...sometimes I'm also gauging how far to push them.

And maybe I tend to look for solutions and neglect the praise parts. (Sometimes I think in this aspect I'm like a guy? No?) So in my feedback during mid-year I gave more suggestions than acknowledging the good work done, which was maybe why they felt that way too.

I really want the best for my staff. I also want to align them with the overall picture sometimes too, but at the same time not cramp their style. This is a good team and I want to try to develop them and raise their profile. How can I do it better?

New Beginnings

It's the start of 2013.
While last year felt like the end of the world with the shaking up of a few areas in my life (hmm...coincidentally it was the Mayan end-of-the-world year, which obviously didn't happen), this year marks a new beginning (I hope) as I step into the unknown of a myriad of activities that will be taking up a lot of my time. Well, not really "unknown" but uncertainty, of whether I can handle the situations.

First up would of course be my studies, which starts tomorrow. I'm not the studying sort and why I'm taking a second masters is crazy, but by faith I take it on, despite having lost some steam since I first considered it. Hope my interest will be piqued once again when classes start. It's also a new life as I become a student again, after almost 10 years since my last degree. At least it's more convenient now since my school is in town and not all the way at NTU like before, where I had to rush down after work too.

Secondly, with my transfer in September, work life has been more dynamic than before. I also foresee more responsibilities that will be thrown upon me and as a result, to rise up (or if a fail, plunge down). I already see one project at the door, as it seems imminent that it'll be passed on to me as the current IC is leaving, unless her bosses decide against it. I'm also supporting my manager as we both try to manage the going-ons at work where things crop up to be settled every other day. Quite a few major events are also happening this year, so hope we can manage. I don't know if I can cope with all these work stuff along with my studies. Everything seems to be happening this year. Stressed.

With all these happenings, I'm also concerned if I can work on our theatre blog. Not just finding time to watch shows, but also to write the reviews. I guess I would need to rely more on my co-writer for a lot of the reviews this year.


Well, the year has just started, so I don't know what else there's in store. Keeping fingers crossed that I would pull through the year in one piece.

Studying again!

I mentioned that I was going to apply for the MA in Arts & Cultural Management degree a few months ago. Well, I did and school starts in January!
I won't say I'm the studying kind coz I'm quite lazy and last minute when it comes to my studies, but I do believe this was a God-led decision. It's a long story. I could have backed out then as I was happy where I had moved to. But well, I was accepted into the course anyway, so I took it as a sign to continue with it, daunting as it is.

It's daunting in the sense that it requires a rather high level of commitment from me. I have classes 4 evenings a week! Nope, am not taking time off work; am still working full-time. And furthermore, I have recently been given heavier responsibilities with co-leading my team. Next year will also be a very busy year for the organisation with major events and I believe I'll be quite involved. Yikes!
Even though I do not have exams, the 1st semester alone has 8 assignments (2 per each of the 4 modules). I think the 2nd semester will be the same. Some readings have already been sent to us (think we have 10 in the class). I don't know what I've gotten myself into, but it's too late now! Hope I can cope.

Because of the packed schedule, I'm sad to say I will probably have to sacrifice a lot of show-catching, the first pinch being Mosaic Fest already. Hopefully there aren't too many acts I want to catch (no researching then!), although I had wanted to catch Tokyo Ska Paradise Orchestra, but it clashes with one of my classes. On top of this, I can only travel during school holidays. Not that I travel that often, but you know it feels kind of restrictive. Looks like I probably can't visit my friend in Canada during the 1-week term break coz it'll be too short a trip and I might have to submit some assignments in the week after, unless....But we'll see.

Another commitment would be financially. It's not a cheap course, costing $9K per semester, which comes up to about $27K for the course, with the last semester not even having classes (meant for us to work on our thesis)

Really need God's sustenance to keep me well next year.

The nice people and those who caused the problem

I mentioned about facing some challenges in my career, and most crucially, my "lifespan" in my current job. I was kind of "played out" by some silly things people did (and not my fault or choice), which has caused my worst fears to come true. But I shan't talk about the story as it will only raise my blood pressure and get me all upset. Quoting someone, I was "hard done by".

Anyway, this post is more about the good things I've seen out of this situation. I'm glad that I've found some kind souls, whom I'm not even that close to, but who seem sincere in trying to offer me some help. Like the highest authority whom I could approach (yes, I wrote in a "complaint"). Contrary to rumours, she was very personable and has promised to personally look into the matter. That posed some relief to me.
Also, one of my colleagues has even helped me to drop a note to a couple of colleagues for any "lobang" for me and even sent me alerts of plausible positions. Actually, it was very strange how this started as he suddenly asked me one day if I would be interested in looking for other positions. I don't know if he had heard anything about my problem. Anyway, I'm glad there are these nice people around in the organisation...it makes the situation more bearable.

Of course, I'm also glad that I have a couple of friends whom I had confided in and who would keep me in prayer. Hope I had not been too burdensome in loading all the details on you, even though you might not fully comprehend the situation.

Also strange that someone else asked me today if I'm already a permanent staff. Must be because the news of people getting converted to permanent are coming soon (heard July/August), but obviously, I've been left out because of this silly situation that wasn't caused by me. He was very surprised and agreed it was a bad turn for me and maybe I should take some precautions and do some planning just in case.

Talking about planning, I wouldn't say I was purposely doing any planning, but an opportunity presented itself as in maybe to upgrade myself. See my earlier post about taking a Masters in Arts & Cultural Management. I don't know if that will eventually come to pass, but maybe it can be a backup some day. Also, a discussion the other day gave me some hope, but that might be just talk only.

Oh well, I've done what I could of the situation and am leaving it in God's hands.

A year of capability testing

Things are getting really busy at work...finally. Not that I've been lazing around lah, but the bulk of materials I'm supposed to handle are finally starting to come in. Lots of preparation is underway, like training of vendors, planning, etc. Also, with a colleague who left and now with another colleague who's gone on maternity leave, some of their work has been re-assigned to me.

Having transferred to this department last year, I believe this year is really a year of testing for me. A year to prove myself if I can really work this new job scope and adapt, a test if I can cope with what's on my plate. The favour shown to me so far will be put to the test (well, I think my boss is quite ok with me, although I'm still lagging in certain areas).

Time to work harder and manage  my time!

My new team

As the year comes to a close, and my life with my new department has more or less gotten on track (although I've yet to shift my workstation to sit with the group), I managed to experience a different kind of group dynamics.

Well, I attended my first proper staff meeting with my department last week and it felt so different from my previous department. It was less formal, and we could crack jokes, etc. Not that my previous department was super serious, but that was really a very "functional" or "operational" kind of meeting and the dynamics was really different. This one, I was more relaxed...I guess the group got along better. There's a kind of 默契.

Am I glad that I was moved here. Still a lot of things to learn (that's the stressed part), but it's nice to have some teamwork here and talk some commonalities. Not that previously there's none, but each person's work was very different from the next then.

not so "important" anymore

I've been quite busy lately, trying to clear as much work as possible before my holiday, my holiday, then now back to work and trying to find time to sort out the souvenirs/goodies and photos, that I've not really had time to blog. Passed over a theatre review on my other blog (which I'd left to my review counterpart to do here) since I was flying off the next day. But as it is, here I am.

Anyway, the point of this post was the settling in of the fact of my current position of "importance" (or lack of it) at work as made the more apparent by my recent trip. I don't know if it's a good or bad thing, but with my new portfolio/job scope after my "transfer" to a different department within the division, I am a tad more carefree now. No longer am I the (only) one handling the system issues or development of this particular web service I was in charge of, since I have "handed" it over to someone else. Am not sure if I've done a proper job in doing so, but since I'm still around, they can ask me. But anyway, it's like a big load off my shoulder in a way coz no one could really cover me last time in my department. And this aspect of my job scope was actually hindering my 'professional' development. I was feeling more and more like a technical rep (although I was just being the user rep for the department). Of course, I settled whatever phase of development as was ongoing under my care, which has now been completed, so I can safely do a clean "cut off" from it now. Anyway, the system has been operational for a while, though I was constantly pushing and following on the enhancements as required. If I had not been transferred, I think some of the digital projects would have been passed to me. *Phew*
But then again, since I can get out now, maybe I was not so important after all.
Well, I'm still in the midst of handing over another project, but that isn't so bad because it's not so technical and just more like handing over management of the project/collection.

In my new job scope, it's a breath of new freedom as I now have people who can actually cover my work. And I don't have staff under me anymore. This could be a bad thing since it means I'm more dispensable now. Also, I'm totally new to this work and it was not my choice to be transferred there, although I have learned much since, and I have more contact with music stuff. A bit stressed in the sense of whether I can deliver and if I fit in. I hope I can do the work well since this is in one way developing me professionally in 1 aspect.

Hazy scattered blur

Phew, coming into the 4th month of my new job scope, and I'm still quite blur. A lot of things seem to be "floating" around for me to do and understand, as I try to balance the various "jobs" I need to complete. So worried I'm not catching up fast enough and lag in delivering. Things are looking messy. It's really a whole new area for me and I really hope I perform well. I just realised too that my boss has yet to formally give me a "guided tour" of the department! So yah...I'm also physically "alien" to my department as I've yet to move to sit with the rest of the team.

Besides the new area, I still need to cover some of my old job scope plus clear some backlog from that past. Gee...and I don't seem to be managing it so well. Hope I can cope eventually.

Adjusting & assimilating

ok, it's been about a week or so of actually getting my hands dirty into really working the areas of my new job scope and I must say things aren't looking as bad as I think they would be. It's still tough and draining as there hasn't been time for me to be properly trained or inducted into the job due to tight deadlines, but I can actually understand what's going on, not to mention the working terms and standards (still learning), deliver (with the help of samples) and contribute to discussions!

We have been having really intense discussions the past week due to deadline and I felt it was pretty ok working with the team. Who knows, maybe it'll be a better life than previously, under a different supervisor/dept. Hopefully I'll get appreciated more.

I still need to figure how to manage my time well, even as I try to clear my backlog and also the handing over of previous job scope matters.

Blessing in disguise

As mentioned in earlier posts, my organisation is in the middle of a major re-org and as a result, my job scope has totally changed, with me looking set to move to a new dept, although still in the same division.

Some time back, I had applied for a transfer which was rejected by the division I was hoping to join. Now, I feel it might be a blessing in disguise as it's a big mess over there now due to the re-org as the management tries to sort out the roles, collections and structure.

So currently, while still awaiting instructions/details on my job scope, I have more or less settled 1 aspect (though small) of that, which still lets me deal with the arts (music) in a way. It's still pending final approval, but I think shouldn't be a problem, except maybe some adjustments to the weightage. I will also get to do a "try-out" at the division I had intended to transfer to, in the form of an ECA, where staff can choose to do something outside of their main scope of work as part of our personal development.

Hope everything pans out nicely as I await God's guidance.
The bulk of my new job scope is still unknown, but my supervisor will discuss with me when I get back from Vancouver.

A Year of Uncertainty?

A couple of weeks ago, a friend of mine was commenting that he felt that it would be a good year for him this year, after a somewhat "turbulent" time last year. Good for him to be so positive.

Anyway, I couldn't help but began thinking of what kind of year it would be for me. As far as things are going, I foresee that it's a year of uncertainty.

1 major change that's affecting me is in the area of my career. Everything is so uncertain now. There has been an re-org and my job scope has drastically changed. My initial reaction was of confusion, frustration, shock, etc. But after some time, I'm learning to accept this change. I believe that this is by the grace of God. Firstly, even during the "turmoil" of what to do, God never explicitly said "get out" (of this assignment). I admit I didn't specifically pray for anything coz I really didn't know what to pray for. To pray for Him to open a door elsewhere? Or to battle/adapt to the change? (Honestly, I still don't know what to do) But somehow, I believe He gave me a peace. Right now, I'm still quite amazed coz I feel safe. He seems to be saying "leave it in His hands". As much as I feel that I want to "fight", but I find it impossible to do it now.

Secondly, I seem to see new light. Maybe God is training me to learn new skills in my profession (to increase my knowledge and versatility?) and also, I still have the opportunity to embark on my journey to learn reference work, which we can undertake as an "ECA" outside of our existing scope of work. Hopefully I'm up to it. I am sad at losing some of my "baby" projects, (and maybe glad that I'm finally getting off 1, which if I stayed on in the dept, I will never get to stop doing), but I believe that they are still in good hands now from latest updates, and should be thankful for the opportunities gained and thrown in my path. Hopefully I can embark on some other projects/scope that don't get me too far from the arts.

I am still not aware of my exact scope of work even though my division head has given some tentative areas and she needs to discuss with the dept heads to confirm them if they're on and weightage. I'm also not sure when this change will take effect. But I thank God that I can always rely on Him. It feels good to just "go with the flow" and believing that He'll guide me somewhere. I think I still believe something will happen next year, if I heard Him correctly last time. He has guided me so far, before I joined the profession till where I am now, and I still believe He will do so.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, 

"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

~ Jeremiah 29:11 

 

I have had this verse communicated to me twice now, the 2nd time at Sunday service. Gee, I had a conviction lately that I should study the book of Jeremiah.

 

Serving the Lord in church. Well, this is still uncertain. I submitted an application earlier on, but no news, so maybe it's not time yet? Don't know.

Hmm...relationships. Aiyah, this is always uncertain. I'll wait for God's provision.

Uncertain as things are, there is always one certainty; that God will provide and is ever faithful.

The assurance of GOD on my black Monday

I was on a 2-hour shift of prayers last night (my church is on a 40-day, 24 hours prayer mission till Good Friday) and I was assured of His control in my life.
Initially, I was thinking if it was warfare. After all, the 40-day prayer started on 21 Feb, and the whole saga started when our CEO officially announced the re-org on 22 Feb. Ok, just to give a brief on what's happening in my near future. The moment I heard of what kind of changes were involved, I had a bad feeling. Although some colleagues said that maybe it would not be so, my intuition told me otherwise. And my bad feeling came true, with an added dose of dismay, this Monday.

Firstly, My arts projects will be taken from me (there are two). They are like my "babies" as I was involved from the beginning, nurturing and fighting to keep them alive. Finally, there are results and they have taken flight in a way. Even though I was prepared to hear this happening (this was my bad feeling), it still affected me in a big way. Will the projects survive? How will their scope be changed? and many other questions. It felt like a part of me was severed from me as these projects have been my driving force and motivation in my current position, that remind me that at least I was doing something meaningful of which I'm passionate about. It felt like when a musician loses the ability to play music (not sure if this is an apt analogy). I have to release 1 of my staff too (she will move with 1 of my projects), whom I have developed rapport with. She's a little worried if she'll fit in the new place, but I believe it's better for her there. Also, I feel safe that the project would still be in good hands.

The extra dose was when I was told I would most likely be transferred to another dept that's coming under our division's wing, which I don't exactly like. Some colleagues would know what I once said I would not do (*sigh* as they said, never say "never"). This was unexpected and I shan't explain too much here since it's not appropriate.

So this Black Monday was my darkest day in the organisation so far. Even darker than when another event happened previously which I've learnt to live with. I know re-orgs are common and at least I still got a job, but the loss of the opportunity to work on content development and the chance for professional development towards where I want to move to...all my focus areas for development seem wasted.

Anyway, back to the prayer meet. It occurred to me that it might be a time of testing, or something wants to to get me down to doubt God. But thank God it never occurred to me to "blame" God for this. Nevertheless, I was perplexed, upset, emotional about the whole thing...I wanted to cry, but yet couldn't, the frustration that caused a "constriction" in my chest, etc. I moped around mostly after that, trying to collect myself. What was happening? What future would I have?

But God sent his assurance through one of my leaders yesterday as she prayed for me (who didn't know what's happening) and it totally described what I was going through. The anxiety, the unchartered grounds, the assurance that God is good and what He plans is always good. I'm relieved that I'm assured of God's presence in all things, even sending someone to tell me so. I'm not saying that He will deliver me from this position as I'm not sure of what His plans are yet, but a lot of things are still going on in my mind. What is the purpose? Is it a time to "remove the plank from my eyes"? Is it His way of making me let go of some things and make a clean break? Is He putting me there to make a difference? Or will there be a miracle? What should I be praying for then?

I'm still moping around, trying to come to terms with what's happening and still seek the Lord in what to pray for and direction. I am in need of taking time off (Friday) to seek Him on specifics and to sync what I know in my mind (the truth of His assurance) and the feelings in my heart. But I know one thing I will still pray for. It may not happen yet, but it must happen.

Reference training 101

I just completed a series of training sessions on reference services and wow, it's quite challenging but exciting. I realised how much I didn't really know...but that's really on-the-job training. And I realised too that it's really what I would love to do in the (near) future in terms of my career prospects. Right now, I'm still working in the back-end, hence I can't really do much reference work. So that's what I would want to do next, maybe as personal development for now. I'm also feeling rather stagnated in my current position. I need to move out!

What really got my heart pumping was when we were touring the SING/SEA collection. It's not the first time I'm looking at the collection (though not often) and it's also not the first time I feel "exhilarated" to be near these books. Just look at the amazing titles, so rich in content. This only happens when I'm at this particular collection and I so want to "devour" all those titles, even if it's just browsing. I must say that my colleague is doing a great job. :) The thought of being near these if I could just get myself into working there. It's so different when you're close to the collections as opposed to "far far away". I don't feel as excited when I'm visiting the other collections though.

However, I must still say I enjoyed all the sessions, covering the various subject areas. They were rather interesting and there were some hands-on practice. Can't wait for the opportunity to get to work there as a reference librarian! Must pray hard.

A rested heart & mind

As mentioned earlier, it had been an "eventful" week for me.
Just want to thank & praise God that my father's operation went smoothly and he's recovering well, being able to walk around already. Thank you, all those who prayed for him.

And also to thank God that I survived my presentation. Everything went smoothly and the slot given was good - allowed those before me to test out the system first so my presentation did not have a glitch especially in the media part (the presentation before me had some sound issues for their video, which was solved). I actually had a bad dream about not being on time to test out my slides and the system the night before. Haha!
The big boss was very nice and I managed to answer the questions he asked.
It turned out my presentation became the last presentation for the meeting as the meeting was overrun by 25 minutes, so the big boss probably had some appointment to attend elsewhere.

Think the rest of the year should be quite peaceful and I can concentrate on other things, including working my brains for inspiration.

A nervous week ahead

Next week will be a rather major week for me.

Monday Tuesday morning, my dad will be going for heart bypass. It's a pretty common procedure, but there will still be some anxiety. Brothers & sisters in Christ, please pray for my father that it will be a smooth & successful operation and that he will recover very quickly from it.

Then Friday, I will need to do a presentation to my organisation's super super big boss. I've not done many presentations in my life and being so inexperienced, I'm super worried when suddenly, I'm faced with this! It was at the suggestion of my group head that we should present this project and that "we should let the younger generation have more exposure". All the more so since I'm the project manager. It's really just going to be some updates and demo (hope the website runs smoothly), but dealing with such high level is super scary for me when I'm really pretty bad at presentations. The last major presentation was when I was presenting a proposal to our board of trustees for some funding, but I had others with me to support me. I was quite freaked out then. This time, it's even higher level. *faint*

"Request Rejected"

*SIGH*
My transfer request has been rejected. I don't feel much about it though, although I'm slightly disappointed but I think right now, I'm more curious to find out who's the "suitable candidate" that they have picked.

I guess my "unfeelingness" is due to the fact that at the point of submission, I was rather unsure if that was God's calling for me in the first place. Usually, He gives me an "alert" (could be push/pull), maybe like a "conviction" kind of thing, and I guess it's clear this time that it's not yet time for me to move, although I'm feeling some "push" factor personally.

As I said before, I leave it in God's hands.