《华丽上班族之生活与生存》(Design for Living)

我已经很久没看中文的话剧了。不过，我决定不妨在今年的华艺节挑一部来捧捧场，便挑了这由张艾嘉所编的话剧来着手。

剧情的摘要如下：
在金融海啸中频频传出要裁员的消息，而公司的CEO张威（张艾嘉饰）也有所威胁。为了证明公司没人能取代她，她在下属当中部下陷阱，以语言游戏及挑逗来操作每个人，摆布他们勾心斗角、互相提防，搞得大家人心惶惶、士气大跌。但事情却演变成不在她所安排当中，造成最终以悲剧收场。

总的来说，这是一部不错的话剧。剧中带有一点趣味，但也有其中的哲理。最能勾起我思绪的就是李想（郑元畅饰）这角色。他根本在整个剧中是不属于这华丽上班族的一份子。很明显的，从他的名字你就能知道他就是“理想”的化身。他的单纯（而是新鲜人的角色)代表了每个刚出道而抱有梦想的新鲜人。但人往往为了在奸诈的社会中生存，自己的理想与个性都因周遭的事物给迷惑了。而单纯的心也被玷污了。就像剧中的所有角色一样，尤其是大伟（王耀庆饰）。结果，就像剧中的李想一样，理想跟梦想就在无意中死了。

The Reader

Caught The Reader on Wed and maybe I had high expectations, but somehow, it was not as poignant as I expected. It was still good, but to me not excellent. The 1st part of the story was ok, but gradually got more interesting as more emotions and "action" came in.

However, Kate Winslet really did quite well in the show. You can see how in the beginning she seemed to be the one being in control and matured. However, you discover that actually, there is a certain naivety in her. My favourite part was when she was justifying why her character did what she did during the holocaust (which seemed like a logical solution to her rather than a result of racism - not that I approve of the holocaust) where she asked the judge "what would you have done?" No one could answer that.

Unmoved

It's one of those times when I start to reflect on the way my "heart" works.

I ask myself, "Am I so difficult to be moved? Is my heart so difficult to light up or feel something for someone?"

After thinking through, my answer is NO. It is only because I'm guarded.

I'm a naturally conservative & reserved person and verbally not very fluent. Maybe it's fear too. Ok ok...am a bit slow in reaction too (haha...what they call 慢半拍). Maybe it's the result of my last experience but I might say I've always been this way. Just take for example when I'm introduced to someone, a stranger to me. I take very long to open up, if I ever. So sometimes, I think blind dates might not be for me. You see, I stay cautious and I can't feel for a total stranger in that way at a 1st meeting. So at the end of it, I don't know if I want to see the person again. It might be a lack of attraction, or maybe because I'm slow in warming up, or maybe I'm indifferent at that point of time. However I do know if I meet someone whom I really don't want to meet again.

Ok, now back to addressing why my answer is "no". I think I can feel something for someone when I know the person first, i.e. when the person becomes a friend. I am referring to the times when I get to meet the person in the natural course of my life, e.g. maybe work or leisure, rather than a forced environment (in case someone argues that they're strangers in the beginning too wat !).
So initially, I might not feel anything for the person but it might be good vibes along the way that made me so. After which, I get to know the good qualities of the person which attracts me. 2 of the things that attracts me most is firstly, a Godly man and secondly, someone who is passionate about music (especially if he can play/write music...asking too much?). I guess there might be other things, but I shall not make a checklist here. Haha...maybe that's what led to my "downfall" previously.

My weakness is if I'm attracted to a person, I don't know how to express it. I will never take the initiative but I don't know how to hint. And then I keep everything to myself now...at least for a really long time...the hiding part might have been a result of the last experience (I think my cover up job has much improved from before). And worse still, I think once the person has found it's place in my heart, it stays for a while even if there's no outcome and I would take a while to recover if finally I decide to let go. Hence, I stay guarded rather than abandon myself to something uncertain.

Hmm...this sounds analytical...maybe that's the problem with me.

nauseating stress

Recently, I'm discovering stress to a new level.

Maybe it's the sudden onslaught of everything happening together, which resulted in a load of deadlines to be completed within recent & upcoming weeks...maybe it's the lack of sleep/rest...maybe I'm not planning my time well...maybe age is catching up?

In any case, I don't think I've ever felt like this before. The heavy-laden heart? Maybe...but the nausea as a result? It's a first.
These past few weeks I seemed to be really overwhelmed and it feels like my chest seems to be congested, like there's something blocking the airway and worst of all, it made me feel nauseous. Not that I actually puked, but you know the feeling. This seems really bad. I might start crying soon.

*sigh* Sometimes it's tough to want to do everything at its best...maybe because I can be a perfectionist at times. And once I start on something, I want to see it to completion in one way or another. The woes of a responsible person. :P

I hope I can let go of some things when they eventually move out of my hands and that they will still be able to "live". Of course I do let go of things once in a while, when I suddenly say to myself, what's the point? That is probably when I become restless & indifferent. Haha...bad for me as a career move, but I need to slack once in a while.

Fencing to de-stress

I started the day with a heavy heart...not sure why, but maybe it's work stress (yes, have been trying to rush something over the weekend...even now!), or maybe it's insufficient sleep, but I felt a burden in my heart weighing me down, making me fatigued.

So when I went for fencing class today (which I had contemplated skipping), I was feeling a little lethargic. But I was glad I went. I discovered that by the end of my class, I felt more relaxed and the burden was lifted (maybe not totally, but it was lighter).

I began to see how fencing can be a good stress-reliever.
No, no. Not in the sense that I envision my "enemy" to be my opponent whom I would try to stab, but rather, during a bout, you've got to be really focused on what's happening and on your opponent, that there isn't room to think of other things. And the workout helps a bit I think, probably generating some adrenaline or whatever it is to get the body (& mind) going.

This is great. I think that's why a sport that requires more than 1 party is better than those that you can do by yourself (e.g. jogging, swimming). It keeps the mind distracted from things that bother you and with fencing (or sports that require sparring), it's more so as you wouldn't want to get hit by your opponent (it can still be a little painful even though one wears all the gear).

被爱比爱更幸福

Following from the numbers discussion, 1 of my friends decided to raise this hypothetical scenario with us.

If you were a guy/girl who really likes this person A but the feelings are not reciprocated, but has another person B who treats you really well, who would you choose?

Female response (there were 2 of us): Would likely pick the one who treats you well. Maybe because we are more traditional and thus we won't take the initiative to pursue the guy. Our rationale? It is better that someone loves you more than you do. After all, I think girls can be moved eventually by the other guy.

Guy response (essentially only 1 responded out of 3, coz 1 of the guys was the one who asked): would probably try harder, though the guy didn't firmly say he will choose the other eventually.

If the theory is correct, then actually, the 2 responses support each other. E.g. Girl A likes this Guy A who doesn't reciprocate. But Guy B likes Girl A & treats her well, but there's a Girl B who likes Guy B. So if Guy B tries harder, he might move Girl A to choose him instead. Girl B loses the most I guess.

Anyway, this is only theory and as 1 friend said , there's a lot of other factors in real life.

This question reminds me of a song by 裘海正 《爱我的人和我爱的人》.
Personally, I think it's quite painful and sad.

Numbers, Relationships, Social Pressures

Me & some friends were having a rather interesting discussion about the age that we would prefer our partner to be and the differing views between men & women.

We were analysing why a woman would rather not date a younger man and also how the acceptability trend in terms of number of years is affected while you age. Somehow, men tend to be more open to younger girls as they grow older, i.e. the limit of no. of years younger increases. While women it's the other way round. There was some explanation that maybe for guys, the age of the ideal girl stays the same, hence the increasing of years younger. For women, we tend to prefer guys who are more matured, and 1 friend suggested that a guy who is older is able understand women better as they can relate better to us as they have gone through a certain phase in life as well.

Of course, the inevitable question of how old & how young will we accept in a relationship came up. After some consideration, I think for "older", it would be up to 7 years (used to be 5 years though). For younger, last time, I used to thing "never" but now, I think as long as not more than a year younger/same age is slightly more acceptable, but also depending on whether the guy is matured enough.

Hmm...all these numbers thing seem like a social pressure which has built itself into a psychological barrier because in our society, it is more acceptable when the guy is older than the girl.

2009 resolutions

It's 2009, and with the economic downturn and increasing workload, it seems the year doesn't look too good and everyone seems to be in dampened spirits. But well, one should still try to make some resolutions to keep things going. After all, what's life without ups & downs? Just have to make the most of it.

So what's first? Well, I guess with the church moving in a "Love Your Neighbour" theme this year, I guess this is a major aspect to grow in spiritual terms. As a human being, I admit I'm prone to my prejudices, and it seems to be getting worse. So my resolution? To be nice to people and learn to put aside some differences. I can think of at least 1 person that I should approach peacefully. Also to try not to say bad things about people. I don't really do that much, I think, but needs control still. Hmm...I guess loving thy neighbour means verbal too, where we say kind words to them and not say bad things about them.

In terms of ministry, even though pastor has asked us to be more active in volunteering ourselves in serving, somehow, as I went through the list, I find myself not called for any of the items yet. Need to find a "niche" to place myself.

In music, I pray for more time & inspiration to write more songs. As I attended service, I was reminded of the Christian songs I've been compiling that surrounds the theme of the cross. Hence, 1 resolution is to finish up my All About The Cross "album". Interestingly, pastor has been preaching about the cross since the start of the year, and I think this is the right time, if not a sign for me to focus. Yes, to write more Christian songs.
Another aspect is to really get down to using my GarageBand to create some music from the loops...electronic/ambient?
Also to brush up my music skills. Well, I won't call this a resolution since I've already signed up for the course, but no harm in putting it here...advancing my keyboard skills.

Another thing would be brushing up my fencing skills. Well, I can see myself improving little by little, seeing myself more aggressive, but I really need to work on my speed, accuracy and tactics. I think my footwork is quite steady already, so need to coordinate with quicker arm actions and correcting my bad habits. Need to learn how to strategise as well.

Work itself doesn't look too promising, but I do hope that I could better manage my time and try to cope with the workload. If only I'm not so tech-oriented...but well, since it's a "gift", I've got to use it. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I studied some computer-related stuff like web design or something. Although I enjoy tech stuff, but it's becoming a burden...ok, this is side-tracking on the purpose of this post...I resolve to...? Gee...I don't really know. Time management? Delegation? Transfer (not an option till end of next year)? Hopefully I can get to really gain subject knowledge on music.

And last but not least, get more rest! Considering myself having difficulty clearing my last year's leave, carrying forward the whole lot of my 2008 leave to 2009, I think I should learn to take more breaks. But judging from the endless work, I do hope I can take my monthly sabbatical & more. Maybe this will reduce my frequency of falling sick.

Guess that's all for now. Hmm...should I put in "no more new bags" as well? :P

King of kings

Somehow, even though I knew this before, I suddenly felt the full impact of this way of addressing Jesus when I read 8 Jan's Our Daily Bread.

He is indeed the King of all kings, king above the things that rule our world; money, power, status, etc., which make us subjects, or rather slaves of these things. He comes to overthrow all these "kings" of our lives and indeed, our hearts should be set right to acknowledge Him as King of kings.

人之初性本善

My friend was telling me she doesn't really believe that "人之初性本善".

After giving it some thought, I still believe that it is so, that we are born kind-natured/innocent, and it is the environment that makes us change.
After all, we are created in God's image.
It's something like the story of Adam & Eve...in the beginning, they were innocent and carefree. However, when the serpent came, they succumb to temptation and sin & shame entered.

If I had a car...

I keep having this strange rationale in my head these days which I think it isn't healthy...

"if I had a car, I would work later each day"

Is this a sign of becoming a workaholic?

Since I came back from Japan, I seem to be working OT almost everyday. If I had a car, I would work even later coz it would make it more convenient for me since I work in a rather faraway-from-the-city place.

崖の上のポニョ Gake no Ue no Ponyo (Ponyo on the Cliff by the Sea)

Ponyo is so cute!A rather "unnatural" story of a magical goldfish falling in love with a 5-year-old boy, which results in her becoming a human (5-year-old).

As you watch the show, you will realise it is almost like the story of The Little Mermaid, where Ponyo is the mermaid princess and Sosuke (the boy) is the "prince" she falls for. There's no wicked witch, but her sisters come to help her fulfill her wish. It's a happy story, except for the fact that 5-year-olds are depicted falling into "true" love. Considering that it was all hand-drawn, anime the old-fashioned way with no CGI effects, it's quite amazing!

It was a simple and sweet show, but I think I still liked Howl's Moving Castle's story better.