Restless at work

*sigh* Don't know why have been feeling restless at work lately. Don't feel like doing anything. Is it the holidays? My colleague said I need a break! Haven't had a proper holiday for the whole year...(Vio, looking forward to that trip with you, if confirmed going).

Anyway, my boss is going for his Haj (Muslim pilgrimage) for the whole of next month (Jan). So I don't have a supervisor over me! But he does have a covering officer...well, she just came or rather came back to my location in end Nov. And she's been clearing leave ever since! She's supposed to be taking over 1 of my many job areas, which I have yet to formerly pass over to her due to her "disappearing act".

Also, heard many "horror" stories about her (she's dept-hopped many times) and each place have their share of "comments". Basically she's very good at "taiji" (i.e. delegating her work to others). Also, heard that the area she's taking over from me was what she handled and made a mess of last time. My boss used to be under her & he confirms about her "working ways" (yes, he's her boss now...what goes ard, comes ard?). Hope she doesn't mess things up again & also do her "taiji quan" on me (she's still senior to me due to her many years in the org, although we can be considered on the same level now in terms of job scopes) . Can you believe that she doesn't know Chinese (she's Chinese leh)? Looks like I might have to do the Chinese portion of her work still. Shall give her the benefit of the doubt. Either that or she'll "taiji" to my staff (those who help me out). They also know her "working ways".

Cut queue auntie

Wah, just now while I was waiting for cab, this auntie popped up of nowhere. Think she wanted to cut queue and tried to talk to me, to give the pretense like I knew her (混水摸鱼）. She even asked me where I'm taking the cab to (which of course I didn't tell her).

I simply told her (hopefully loud enough) that the queue is over there (pointing). When I said this, she said in mandarin "oh, I've queued for quite long already"....
Well, I had been queuing for like half an hour and I didn't see her at all in front of me. Come on, I noticed who was in front of me. I was too tired and aghast to respond, so I ignored her, giving her a "look".

Now I regretted, should have told her that she was not there the whole time I was queuing and maybe the people behind will know what she was trying to do. She didn't dare take the cab before I did, saying "你们走了我才走", i.e. she'll wait for us (as in the people in front of me, including me) to go off 1st".

Think she tried to "insinuate" with me coz I looked like a local or at least of the same race. The 2 parties in front of me were Japanese & don't know which...Malay, Filipino?

Visible or Invisible Loner?

What's the difference between an invisible loner & a visible one? One's visible, one's not! Haha...ok, don't intend to be corny.

Was reflecting on 'being a loner' (applying to myself), and to me, there are 2 types of loners - visible & invisible. It's all about conformity, or rather non-conformity. Well, there are of course those people who just clump together, who cannot be alone and need company. They are afraid to be alone and always stick to someone or a group, fitting in/conforming. The loner, on the other hand, will probably not feel so dependent. Working alone is just part of life and great for ideas & reflection.

Forgive me, I digress.

The visible loner stands out in a group and is probably a leader. He/she operates on a different (loftier) plane, probably domineering and charismatic....think you know the kind. Highly visible and though he/she is outstanding, works alone and can only work alone...others can't keep up. We always hear the phrase "lonely at the top" right?

The invisible loner, on the other hand, fades off in the background. He/she often feels left out or out-of-place and is usually neglected or forgotten. No one listens when he/she speaks or at least is "overpowered" by others in a group when he/she starts to talk about something. Often, his/her "air-time" gets diverted to something else as people cut in. It seems that he/she can never fit in. These people tend to withdraw from others and just prefers to do things or be alone. It becomes a part of life, so they don't bother to fit in. It sort of doesn't matter anymore. Probably, he/she will crave solitude rather than face people who will simply "ignore" you. Why not spend time alone rather than feel frustrated?

Well, guess you might know where I place myself with the lengthy description. I'm the invisible kind. It's not so bad as it looks like I'm not a conformist and am independent. ;P I enjoy solitudes where I can reflect and be at peace and maybe get creative. Probably God has a mission for me in this vast world where I don't have to fit in or be too accommodative.

how do we define friends?

I remember feeling kind of odd, when I see my friends on the street and we give your other a cursory smile and wave, and continue on our way. Then after a while, a text will appear on my handphone, asking me about stuff which really doesn't matter.

Which makes me think, who are the people who we would call friends? How do we define them, and what do you think friends should be like? Sometimes I feel that the simplest form of definition would be a pure form of sincerity. I was told that even between friends, there is never such a thing as non-rivalry (aka comparison), but the line that divides friends from "friends", will be that between real friends, comparison is done in good taste. True friends will be envious of another, whereas friends whom you thought are friends but who turn out otherwise, are often jealous (note that envy and jealousy are 2 similar but vastly different things), and you often suspect if they might pepper their jealousy with malicious remarks when they make a mention of you to their friends.

It made me wonder, who my true friends are, and although I had trouble with it, I think I could feel comfortable enough to count a few off my fingers. At least that comforted me a little. Although I still think friends are a transient concept, at least for this certain window of my life, I will have these few ones to walk through this short passage with me. There are a lot of people I have encountered over the course of my 20-odd years of life and whom I can readily open up to them, tell them my life story, my happiness and my sorrows. I used to think I make myself become like a open book, and then start to ponder if it actually renders me vulnerable. But then, those are pages of my history which I will really like to put behind me, and somehow maybe talking about them helps me accelerate the process of turning the book. It doesn't matter that after a while, these people will walk out of my life, the perpetual waiting room that I have envisioned it to be. What matters is that, during this time when I have known them and told them my story and shared theirs, I could term them my friends. Maybe it is with this thought that I can offer my sincerest form of friendship to them, and not have to hide my truest form, and pretend to be someone else.

Mindless prose

There is nothing I can do,
to affect the minds of another.
If the past is held as better,
what should I make of the present?


If I am not good enough,
If I am not brave enough,
If I am not strong enough,
For all the follies I have committed,
The lack of smiles that you are wont to have,
The words that come not from me,
And thoughts that swirled in me,
Please forgive me when I do.

Forgiven but not forgotten

Sometimes I wonder if I'm being hypocritical towards this friend of mine. We used to be quite close, if not the best of friends. It all started some years ago in uni days and in most cases, it's about a guy. Ok, it's not the conventional "fighting over a man" thing, but it's more about me feeling being cheated by her.

How shall I tell this story? Basically, I fell in love with this guy. She became sort of like someone that I confided in about this (for almost half a year) and she admitted she sometimes did try to bring us together. Then one fine day, she confessed to me that she also liked the person and each time she tried to "create opportunities" for us or heard me talk about him, she felt painful. What is this!? Did she expect me to be grateful, to feel guilty or something? I was totally stunned. What hurt me most was this was my best friend (then) and she lied to me, or rather hid from me. I don't mind if she told me she liked him too from the beginning (he was indeed quite attractive...think quite a no. of gals liked him), probably we might both laugh about it, discuss it like sisters or something and I'll probably not talk so much about him too, but she had to hide it from me & then throw this bomb at me. Was this a tactic or something? And what's more, she told her mum about all these. Yah, she told me that she told her mum everything and about me too? About this common interest in a guy too? Now I wonder what her mum thinks of me...did she see me as the one who was "obstructing" her daughter or gloating now? Her mother quite pamper her as she's the only child. I don't know. I lost my trust in this friend. I did not want to confide in her anymore.

It took me a while to start to 'forgive' her, a few months to get over the shock & confusion first. This was when I told GOD that I would take one semester of celibacy when I would focus on Him alone & all other things will have to wait. It was also a time which I decided to let go of this guy becoz I knew it was not healthy...I believed it was becoming a bondage to me. If GOD intended him to be with me, he will but if not, I should let it go. When I told GOD this, I felt the blade severe this bondage.

So as things moved on, in that semester, there was 1 day that I called her, I think was to meet her for lunch or something. We were staying in the hostel then & I've already slowly recovered from that shock & decided to be good friends with her...after all, I thought that friends are more impt. Somehow, she sounded weird to me & strangely I seemed to have the sixth sense that he was there with her. She sounded hesistant & told me she would call me later. I knew at that moment that they were together (they really only just got together). (Hmm...got powerful 6th sense...maybe GOD was purposely making me call at that time) Why did she need to hide from me...again! Later, when she called, I asked her, was he there just now, so that she had to confess.
Finally, 1 day, at the end of my celibacy, I decided it was time to "tan pan" with her, to tell her all about this. Basically, I told her how I felt from that time and that she was forgiven, but that the matter was not forgotten. How do I forget betrayal? Unless I lost my memory; these are events. Will she continue to be so?

I have no more feelings for the guy now (got over it after a year) and they are married now anyway. He's totally out of the picture. But from that fateful day of her "confession", I knew something was lost. There will always be something between us (a mistrust?) and I won't be able to confide in her fully ever again. It made me decide not to trust anyone too fully next time, to not confide so easily in others. Only GOD is the best confidante.

About being hypocritical, I sometimes wonder if I'm forcing myself to remind myself that I've forgiven her. I wonder too if I've really accepted her as being my good friend still (I admit that she will never be a best friend again). I have this conflict within me on whether I've truly forgiven her or not, or is it like The Corrs' song Forgiven, not Forgotten. Am I putting on an act in front of her & others? Am I so superficial, so hypocritical? I still feel awkward sometimes and I remember all these, but when I do, I do not know if it still hurts or am I already numbed. I wonder if she knows.

Fortunately, I still have a friend now whom I know I can trust. She is my only best friend. To be fair, I also have some other good friends that are reliable. I thank GOD for them.

I like policemen!

It started off as a fine day today...get to knock-off at 5 & as my mum was on leave, my parents could pick me up at my workplace (at Changi!). So we were driving along when suddenly the temperature meter (is that what it's called?) gave us an alert. The car was overheated! We were on the expressway...TPE just before Sengkang! Wah, expressway & heavy traffic...peak period some more. No available taxis in sight. We tried to call for a cab, but the operator said no taxi will stop for us. So me & my mum started to walk towards the housing estate (We were probably around 1 km away from the Sengkang exit), while my dad waited for the tow truck (afternote: he waited 1-2 hrs! so bad service...how big is Singapore?!).

Anyway, we walked along the shoulder and probably 100m away, there was a red Tudor sports car waiting ahead. When we reached, he told us we're not supposed to walk on the expressway. Of course my mum told him that we can't help it wat. So he offered to give us a lift to somewhere convenient. Initially I was a bit suspicious...was thinking should I take a stranger's car (but nice car)? But my mum said ok. Later, he told us he was a policeman (saw his ID in the car) and it was his duty to stop in this type of situation. So we were so fortunate! :)

I've always liked policemen. :P

Birthday Treat

Ok, intended to write this a week ago, but haven't got down to it. Yes, went to the V Tea Room at Esplanade (again), to try out their meals. Not bad & there were many surprises. Well, many "first" tries. Let's look at what my friend Vio ate.

It's an Omelette Loaf with Sliced Ham. Never tried it before, but looks really pretty. There's actually a bread loaf wrapped in the omelette, topped with the sliced ham...with some juicy slices of oranges on the side.


Here comes the big surprise. My Mushroom Steak! The 1st thing I thought was beef steak with mushroom sauce.
Look at this! Yummy Isn't it?
It's not beef but real mushrooms! Think they are called "Emperor Mushrooms", you know, those that are simply big fat stems, with not much of a 'roof'. Not sure? Can check out the supermarkets, though they may not be available all the time. It is covered with mushroom cheese sauce, served with asparagus and lettuce.

Mmm...as I type, getting hungry.




ok, desert is not so unique, but tasted really good too. It's called the Peaches & Cream Panflatter. It's actually crepe wrapped with peaches, topped with ice cream & peaches.

a pack of it

A fantasy.

There are times, lies are told to keep a fantasy alive. Think of instances where parents tell stories of fairy tales, Santa Claus, witches, etc. They all know Santa doesn't exist but to feed the imagination of the impressionistic minds of their kids, they tell this white lie. White because it is not meant to be malicious and hurtful.

But isn't it such a fine line between a white lie and otherwise? The surreal quality surrounding a white lie attempts to mask its nature. A lie is a lie. And sometimes, people tell lies for a good reason, but they don't know that lying hurts the other party terribly. Whatever it is, I think a lie is always, almost always, a bad thing.

Oh well I am spouting gibberish. Again. I hate being lied to and I try not to lie, not even so-called white lies. At the end of the day they are still lies.

Recent reads 1

Being constantly surrounded by books, thought I should occasionally share on some of my reads. Love to read mah. Well, which should I start with?
Ok, this is what I have recently completed.

1) War of the Worlds by H.G. Wells

Yes! I've finally finished this. Actually had intended to finish it before the show, but didn't. This a really old edition that I have at home (actually belongs to my brother). Well, it is in a totally different setting than the movie.
The book is set in England, in a rather less modern time and more "country-like" area, although the destruction does move to London, and yes, the aliens did feed on humans...It seems that they've not many or enough "delicious"creatures to feed on their planet, so Earth was a good place to come to due to the abundance of "food" here.
The red weeds existed, & to me, they conveyed to me many things. 1stly, Mars. Hey, it's about Martians attacking Earth, so red will definitely represent the Red Planet right? 2ndly, of course it reminds me of blood & destruction.

2) Country of the Blind by H.G.Wells

Yes, it's H.G.Wells again! Actually I was excited about Penguin's 70th birthday special where they published this series of 70 pocket books (each not more than a 100 pages) of well known Penguin authors. This was only 1 of the few books that I bought for easy reading. Should check it out! This book is no.41 of the series.


Recently, think I'm into some humour (the witty kind) and some light reading. A girl needs a break sometimes from those 'serious' fiction sometimes, you know. Might explore some chick lit...maybe Sophie Kinsella's new book The Undomestic Goddess.

View from Sofra

The other day (Tuesday), I went with Vio to this Turkish cafe restaurant at Shaw Towers (which I heard was not bad) for dinner. We got a window seat which had quite a good view, at least of the new national library building. The food was not too bad (although it didn't actually tally with the pics in the menu) and the service was quite ok. Did some experimenting my phone camera and here's what I got.





Cool?

Second Link: The Singapore-Malaysia Text Exchange

Last night I went to watch this. It was performed by Wild Rice theatre.

Really good! Had fun all the way. Basically, it's like a medley of poems, plays & fiction performed by the group...the transition between each work was done very well & flowed nicely. It's very locally flavoured...very funny. Well, some parts you've got to know about the Singaporean euphemism before you might understand the humour.

The 1st half was the display of some Singapore works, while the 2nd half was that of Malaysian works. The way the 2nd part was performed was rather unique (at least I've never watched 1 like that before); it was tikam tikam style. Before the interval, the players actually went down to the audience to ask them to randomly pick out the sequence of the plays (like a 'draw lots' thingy) to be performed. The players were given 1 hour to play out as many plays as possible in the picked sequence (32 in all). So each performance will be different. The actors were great! Made the 2-3 hours of fly past.

I now have a new, improved view of local theatre and we have good players! We inject a lot of local flavour in our productions which is great & fun! Although, I sometimes wonder why it's usually only the comedies.

What's this?

Feeling educational. Guess what this is...



No, they are not rambutans....

Have caught the cold! Must have the sleeping with damp hair on Thursday night...Feeling terrible. got so much rush work to do & now like that...

pass it over

Have you ever wondered if judgement is a good or bad thing?

I guess, judgement is something that we need in order to size up options and make choices. In that sense, having a sense of judgement is positive. However, when judgement occurs in people-to-people interactions, I am not so sure.

I hate it when I am subject to the scrutiny of judgemental eyes of people. Although I would really like to tell myself to cast off their snooty glances and ignore them, believe me that it is an arduous task. It is akin to me fighting a losing battle against the world. Why is it though that I am so wary, so afraid to be judged? It could boil down to esteem, or the lack of it. It may sound weird, but it is true that I tremble in the face of judgement and this fear grows into an uglier thing called abhorrence. When I come to know that someone may pass a negative judgement on me, whether verbally or otherwise, it is by instinct that I guard myself against this wave of negativity and return it with equal if not more of the same. Yes, it is a vicious cycle, but it is something that arises instinctly, that which cannot be helped, and I venture, is a survival game.

Why am I throwing about such thoughts in my head? There are too many questions left unanswered; I don't have an inquisitive mind although question marks are aplenty. I don't seek answers, but instead hope for release and a sense of closure.

To those who have contributed towards making me feel this way, I know it is wrong of me to say something like this, but I wish unto them double what they have heaved onto me.

"Words Lost"

I attended a bookclub event on Thursday (subText - every 1st Thurs of each mth) which was quite informative. Think I'm getting into it now, after my regular bookclub was disbanded.
At subText, it's more on new titles and poetry, definitely with inclusion of local writers. Hey, it's a great way to know of new books & maybe get them at discounted rates, even autographed! :) Ok, here's a link you can try if you're interested.



Click to join subtextlist

Ok, here's what I really wanted to fill in here.

One of the poems shared was called "Words Lost" which is basically the poet's creation from the many times when he (& what writers experience) gets the inspiration during the middle of the night but was too lazy to jot it down, saying "will do it when I wake up". Of course, the inspired words are usually lost.

From this, I realised that I'm a more "music" person than a "literature" person...I experience, more often, the sudden inspiration of a tune rather than words. & I think it's more easily lost? For words, it's easy to jot down. But for music, my! I have to find a recorder (ok, I'm not THAT gifted to write down the notes straightaway)! Fortunately, I now have a digital recorder...hopefully there are batteries in them.

poésies I

Ok ok, one other reason for this 'niche' is for me to "publish" my "poetry". Don't think they're good enough for a book, but surely they're good enough for here, right?! Well, here's a more recent one I wrote.

Lovely, these dandelions
On meadows over yonder
Sweet wishes thy seeds burden
to a loner's heart it heartens
© 2005 KLF

trolley fright

I was nearly killed by a woman yesterday.

My family & I went to the airport to pick up my future sis-in-law (she went to Perth for her co. retreat...so good right?) and have just entered T1 via the carpark. We were approaching the travelator when this woman (don't know from which c'try...China, Korea, Taiwan?) with a cart load of luggage (think there were 2-3 luggage bags) came speeding down it. I think she didn't know how to use the airport trolley so she kept pressing down on the handle (which releases the brake) and she just followed the trolley down the travelator at breakneck speed. By this time, I was just about in front of the travelator & saw this strange woman about to crash into me with this trolley of luggage. Fortunately, I managed to jump out of the way just in time...or else you might not see me typing this already...Might have been paralysed or dead.

The worst thing was she was laughing all the way! Can you believe this woman? She should have been worried rather laughing away...like it was fun. I mean, she's not those young kids leh (think her husband & kids were behind her) and how can she be so irresponsible and disregard the safety to others?! She could have killed somebody with the trolley! (It was that fast & the trolley looked really heavy...probably that's why it was so fast). It's ok if she doesn't know how to use the trolley, but be serious about the situation. She didn't even apologise even after we stared at her. She just continued laughing & laughing (like in our face)...she must be mad/hysterical man. Her husband who was coming down the travelator properly said something but I didn't catch it or couldn't understand it. What an example to her kids man. Hope she doesn't kill anybody on the road if she drives.

Interlude 2

Ah...sweet fantasies...

"The life is a stage, almost a fantasy.
With intermezzos in between, where mystery lives reality.
How now to live, the fantasy within?
With music and the song
With drama and beyond
The stage is set for now,
To live life as should be.

The show must go on."

An interlude

Ok, here I am. The guest writer. :)

I like the title of this blog; sounds so mystical and whimsical. When I saw it, I kinda thought to myself... Yea, my life was almost a fantasy. Yes, until I was born into this world.

Don't we all dream of living in a fantasia where there is no pain and suffering, and no one to hurt us?

I don't think I can put the name of this tune to its melody; but I'm sure I will love it. Although I profess to be a goner when it comes to appreciating the arts and all it has to offer, it still gives me a certain solitude when I can lose myself in the music, the darkness of the stage, the chords of the orchestra. I'm blabbering.. Heh heh.

Okay! my first post for my very own blog!

Well, don't think it'll be very much updated by me though. Just to try it out (& post comments on other blogs!) as it's kinda hip now to do so.

The name of this blog is actually my fave piece of classical piano music. Wonder if I can add music clips to blogs...