Missing Out

It's been almost 2 years and I feel drained and burnt out. Maybe it's poor time management, maybe it's just loss of passion or simply age, but I've never felt so tired.

Ever since I took on a managerial role, I feel I've lost many things and while I took it on as a learning experience, I guess I'm not really cut out for it to lead in this manner and my strongest desire is to relinquish my position and to return to developing myself professionally as a librarian. I won't say I'm giving up or don't care anymore (oh well, maybe a little), but I feel I have done what I can do for the department and it is time for me to move on. Inevitably, I had to ask myself - why did I join the organisation in the first place? Because I wanted to be a librarian. I never hankered for a managerial position as I am not the ambitious sort, and my concept of progression is to learn new things in my role as a librarian and progress in that direction.

My current position has more or less killed what little creativity I had with all the administration and operational woes that comes with it. I have less bandwidth to think outside. What I miss doing:

- solitude time to reflect, especially with God
- reading
- dabbling in music
- watching performances
- watching movies
- meeting up with friends
- writing/blogging
- sleeping
- exercising (ok, this is not really true, but I do wished I could do more of this)
- thinking
- shopping

I'm taking each day at a time.

What is my purpose now in the organization?

Anyway, I've been looking for an open door which will lead me out of this situation. I believe I have served my time and need to move on before I "kill" myself with this unhappiness. I believe I have a calling elsewhere eventually so what's the next step? While I am first looking within the organisation, if God calls me elsewhere, I will not hesitate to go. Actually, when such things happen, it is usually an indication from God that it's time to move. He wouldn't ruffle things up like this. Of course, before I move on, I would like to complete a project that I have on hand which should end when I reach my 2-year term as a manager.

Actually I foresee a future possibility where I could serve God. This is a place outside my current organisation but the place does not exist yet. Hence I believe that there might be a place within the organisation I would need to go to first before going to this new place.

The future place I'm talking about is a place which is a dream of our SP that he shared last year and it struck a chord in my heart. It made me ponder if that was really why God has brought me through the various places so far. I had shared this with my cell leader and unexpectedly, she acted upon it for me. One thing led to another and I just did something that I'm actually quite nervous about because after that, I recalled that God has the tendency to suddenly uproot me and put me in a new place before I know it, as in my previous 2 career moves. If it is God's will, I will follow, but I'm really nervous as I consider the things I will need to give up and explain to my parents. However, this Sunday, I suddenly don't have the restlessness I've been feeling in the past few weeks. Over the weeks, I had been very contemplative and had been having the strong urge and sensing that God is bringing me somewhere and the calling He has for me. This feeling was the strongest during service like a voice calling from my soul. But this week, I don't feel it anymore especially after what I've done...is it a sign that I've done the right thing and am finding peace, leaving it with God's hands?

Strangely, I am in a handover mood these days, doing things with a view that I won't be where I am in a few months time even though there is no firm knowledge of where I'll be then. I've never felt this even in the days when I moved earlier. Is it something in me that is preparing me for the unseen future? Whether it is in the current organisation or not, I realise that with the amount of leave I've accumulated, I don't even need to serve any notice if I were to leave and can leave immediately.