Unmoved

It's one of those times when I start to reflect on the way my "heart" works.

I ask myself, "Am I so difficult to be moved? Is my heart so difficult to light up or feel something for someone?"

After thinking through, my answer is NO. It is only because I'm guarded.

I'm a naturally conservative & reserved person and verbally not very fluent. Maybe it's fear too. Ok ok...am a bit slow in reaction too (haha...what they call 慢半拍). Maybe it's the result of my last experience but I might say I've always been this way. Just take for example when I'm introduced to someone, a stranger to me. I take very long to open up, if I ever. So sometimes, I think blind dates might not be for me. You see, I stay cautious and I can't feel for a total stranger in that way at a 1st meeting. So at the end of it, I don't know if I want to see the person again. It might be a lack of attraction, or maybe because I'm slow in warming up, or maybe I'm indifferent at that point of time. However I do know if I meet someone whom I really don't want to meet again.

Ok, now back to addressing why my answer is "no". I think I can feel something for someone when I know the person first, i.e. when the person becomes a friend. I am referring to the times when I get to meet the person in the natural course of my life, e.g. maybe work or leisure, rather than a forced environment (in case someone argues that they're strangers in the beginning too wat !).
So initially, I might not feel anything for the person but it might be good vibes along the way that made me so. After which, I get to know the good qualities of the person which attracts me. 2 of the things that attracts me most is firstly, a Godly man and secondly, someone who is passionate about music (especially if he can play/write music...asking too much?). I guess there might be other things, but I shall not make a checklist here. Haha...maybe that's what led to my "downfall" previously.

My weakness is if I'm attracted to a person, I don't know how to express it. I will never take the initiative but I don't know how to hint. And then I keep everything to myself now...at least for a really long time...the hiding part might have been a result of the last experience (I think my cover up job has much improved from before). And worse still, I think once the person has found it's place in my heart, it stays for a while even if there's no outcome and I would take a while to recover if finally I decide to let go. Hence, I stay guarded rather than abandon myself to something uncertain.

Hmm...this sounds analytical...maybe that's the problem with me.