Visible or Invisible Loner?

What's the difference between an invisible loner & a visible one? One's visible, one's not! Haha...ok, don't intend to be corny.

Was reflecting on 'being a loner' (applying to myself), and to me, there are 2 types of loners - visible & invisible. It's all about conformity, or rather non-conformity. Well, there are of course those people who just clump together, who cannot be alone and need company. They are afraid to be alone and always stick to someone or a group, fitting in/conforming. The loner, on the other hand, will probably not feel so dependent. Working alone is just part of life and great for ideas & reflection.

Forgive me, I digress.

The visible loner stands out in a group and is probably a leader. He/she operates on a different (loftier) plane, probably domineering and charismatic....think you know the kind. Highly visible and though he/she is outstanding, works alone and can only work alone...others can't keep up. We always hear the phrase "lonely at the top" right?

The invisible loner, on the other hand, fades off in the background. He/she often feels left out or out-of-place and is usually neglected or forgotten. No one listens when he/she speaks or at least is "overpowered" by others in a group when he/she starts to talk about something. Often, his/her "air-time" gets diverted to something else as people cut in. It seems that he/she can never fit in. These people tend to withdraw from others and just prefers to do things or be alone. It becomes a part of life, so they don't bother to fit in. It sort of doesn't matter anymore. Probably, he/she will crave solitude rather than face people who will simply "ignore" you. Why not spend time alone rather than feel frustrated?

Well, guess you might know where I place myself with the lengthy description. I'm the invisible kind. It's not so bad as it looks like I'm not a conformist and am independent. ;P I enjoy solitudes where I can reflect and be at peace and maybe get creative. Probably God has a mission for me in this vast world where I don't have to fit in or be too accommodative.

how do we define friends?

I remember feeling kind of odd, when I see my friends on the street and we give your other a cursory smile and wave, and continue on our way. Then after a while, a text will appear on my handphone, asking me about stuff which really doesn't matter.

Which makes me think, who are the people who we would call friends? How do we define them, and what do you think friends should be like? Sometimes I feel that the simplest form of definition would be a pure form of sincerity. I was told that even between friends, there is never such a thing as non-rivalry (aka comparison), but the line that divides friends from "friends", will be that between real friends, comparison is done in good taste. True friends will be envious of another, whereas friends whom you thought are friends but who turn out otherwise, are often jealous (note that envy and jealousy are 2 similar but vastly different things), and you often suspect if they might pepper their jealousy with malicious remarks when they make a mention of you to their friends.

It made me wonder, who my true friends are, and although I had trouble with it, I think I could feel comfortable enough to count a few off my fingers. At least that comforted me a little. Although I still think friends are a transient concept, at least for this certain window of my life, I will have these few ones to walk through this short passage with me. There are a lot of people I have encountered over the course of my 20-odd years of life and whom I can readily open up to them, tell them my life story, my happiness and my sorrows. I used to think I make myself become like a open book, and then start to ponder if it actually renders me vulnerable. But then, those are pages of my history which I will really like to put behind me, and somehow maybe talking about them helps me accelerate the process of turning the book. It doesn't matter that after a while, these people will walk out of my life, the perpetual waiting room that I have envisioned it to be. What matters is that, during this time when I have known them and told them my story and shared theirs, I could term them my friends. Maybe it is with this thought that I can offer my sincerest form of friendship to them, and not have to hide my truest form, and pretend to be someone else.

Mindless prose

There is nothing I can do,
to affect the minds of another.
If the past is held as better,
what should I make of the present?


If I am not good enough,
If I am not brave enough,
If I am not strong enough,
For all the follies I have committed,
The lack of smiles that you are wont to have,
The words that come not from me,
And thoughts that swirled in me,
Please forgive me when I do.

Forgiven but not forgotten

Sometimes I wonder if I'm being hypocritical towards this friend of mine. We used to be quite close, if not the best of friends. It all started some years ago in uni days and in most cases, it's about a guy. Ok, it's not the conventional "fighting over a man" thing, but it's more about me feeling being cheated by her.

How shall I tell this story? Basically, I fell in love with this guy. She became sort of like someone that I confided in about this (for almost half a year) and she admitted she sometimes did try to bring us together. Then one fine day, she confessed to me that she also liked the person and each time she tried to "create opportunities" for us or heard me talk about him, she felt painful. What is this!? Did she expect me to be grateful, to feel guilty or something? I was totally stunned. What hurt me most was this was my best friend (then) and she lied to me, or rather hid from me. I don't mind if she told me she liked him too from the beginning (he was indeed quite attractive...think quite a no. of gals liked him), probably we might both laugh about it, discuss it like sisters or something and I'll probably not talk so much about him too, but she had to hide it from me & then throw this bomb at me. Was this a tactic or something? And what's more, she told her mum about all these. Yah, she told me that she told her mum everything and about me too? About this common interest in a guy too? Now I wonder what her mum thinks of me...did she see me as the one who was "obstructing" her daughter or gloating now? Her mother quite pamper her as she's the only child. I don't know. I lost my trust in this friend. I did not want to confide in her anymore.

It took me a while to start to 'forgive' her, a few months to get over the shock & confusion first. This was when I told GOD that I would take one semester of celibacy when I would focus on Him alone & all other things will have to wait. It was also a time which I decided to let go of this guy becoz I knew it was not healthy...I believed it was becoming a bondage to me. If GOD intended him to be with me, he will but if not, I should let it go. When I told GOD this, I felt the blade severe this bondage.

So as things moved on, in that semester, there was 1 day that I called her, I think was to meet her for lunch or something. We were staying in the hostel then & I've already slowly recovered from that shock & decided to be good friends with her...after all, I thought that friends are more impt. Somehow, she sounded weird to me & strangely I seemed to have the sixth sense that he was there with her. She sounded hesistant & told me she would call me later. I knew at that moment that they were together (they really only just got together). (Hmm...got powerful 6th sense...maybe GOD was purposely making me call at that time) Why did she need to hide from me...again! Later, when she called, I asked her, was he there just now, so that she had to confess.
Finally, 1 day, at the end of my celibacy, I decided it was time to "tan pan" with her, to tell her all about this. Basically, I told her how I felt from that time and that she was forgiven, but that the matter was not forgotten. How do I forget betrayal? Unless I lost my memory; these are events. Will she continue to be so?

I have no more feelings for the guy now (got over it after a year) and they are married now anyway. He's totally out of the picture. But from that fateful day of her "confession", I knew something was lost. There will always be something between us (a mistrust?) and I won't be able to confide in her fully ever again. It made me decide not to trust anyone too fully next time, to not confide so easily in others. Only GOD is the best confidante.

About being hypocritical, I sometimes wonder if I'm forcing myself to remind myself that I've forgiven her. I wonder too if I've really accepted her as being my good friend still (I admit that she will never be a best friend again). I have this conflict within me on whether I've truly forgiven her or not, or is it like The Corrs' song Forgiven, not Forgotten. Am I putting on an act in front of her & others? Am I so superficial, so hypocritical? I still feel awkward sometimes and I remember all these, but when I do, I do not know if it still hurts or am I already numbed. I wonder if she knows.

Fortunately, I still have a friend now whom I know I can trust. She is my only best friend. To be fair, I also have some other good friends that are reliable. I thank GOD for them.

I like policemen!

It started off as a fine day today...get to knock-off at 5 & as my mum was on leave, my parents could pick me up at my workplace (at Changi!). So we were driving along when suddenly the temperature meter (is that what it's called?) gave us an alert. The car was overheated! We were on the expressway...TPE just before Sengkang! Wah, expressway & heavy traffic...peak period some more. No available taxis in sight. We tried to call for a cab, but the operator said no taxi will stop for us. So me & my mum started to walk towards the housing estate (We were probably around 1 km away from the Sengkang exit), while my dad waited for the tow truck (afternote: he waited 1-2 hrs! so bad service...how big is Singapore?!).

Anyway, we walked along the shoulder and probably 100m away, there was a red Tudor sports car waiting ahead. When we reached, he told us we're not supposed to walk on the expressway. Of course my mum told him that we can't help it wat. So he offered to give us a lift to somewhere convenient. Initially I was a bit suspicious...was thinking should I take a stranger's car (but nice car)? But my mum said ok. Later, he told us he was a policeman (saw his ID in the car) and it was his duty to stop in this type of situation. So we were so fortunate! :)

I've always liked policemen. :P

Birthday Treat

Ok, intended to write this a week ago, but haven't got down to it. Yes, went to the V Tea Room at Esplanade (again), to try out their meals. Not bad & there were many surprises. Well, many "first" tries. Let's look at what my friend Vio ate.

It's an Omelette Loaf with Sliced Ham. Never tried it before, but looks really pretty. There's actually a bread loaf wrapped in the omelette, topped with the sliced ham...with some juicy slices of oranges on the side.


Here comes the big surprise. My Mushroom Steak! The 1st thing I thought was beef steak with mushroom sauce.
Look at this! Yummy Isn't it?
It's not beef but real mushrooms! Think they are called "Emperor Mushrooms", you know, those that are simply big fat stems, with not much of a 'roof'. Not sure? Can check out the supermarkets, though they may not be available all the time. It is covered with mushroom cheese sauce, served with asparagus and lettuce.

Mmm...as I type, getting hungry.




ok, desert is not so unique, but tasted really good too. It's called the Peaches & Cream Panflatter. It's actually crepe wrapped with peaches, topped with ice cream & peaches.

a pack of it

A fantasy.

There are times, lies are told to keep a fantasy alive. Think of instances where parents tell stories of fairy tales, Santa Claus, witches, etc. They all know Santa doesn't exist but to feed the imagination of the impressionistic minds of their kids, they tell this white lie. White because it is not meant to be malicious and hurtful.

But isn't it such a fine line between a white lie and otherwise? The surreal quality surrounding a white lie attempts to mask its nature. A lie is a lie. And sometimes, people tell lies for a good reason, but they don't know that lying hurts the other party terribly. Whatever it is, I think a lie is always, almost always, a bad thing.

Oh well I am spouting gibberish. Again. I hate being lied to and I try not to lie, not even so-called white lies. At the end of the day they are still lies.

Recent reads 1

Being constantly surrounded by books, thought I should occasionally share on some of my reads. Love to read mah. Well, which should I start with?
Ok, this is what I have recently completed.

1) War of the Worlds by H.G. Wells

Yes! I've finally finished this. Actually had intended to finish it before the show, but didn't. This a really old edition that I have at home (actually belongs to my brother). Well, it is in a totally different setting than the movie.
The book is set in England, in a rather less modern time and more "country-like" area, although the destruction does move to London, and yes, the aliens did feed on humans...It seems that they've not many or enough "delicious"creatures to feed on their planet, so Earth was a good place to come to due to the abundance of "food" here.
The red weeds existed, & to me, they conveyed to me many things. 1stly, Mars. Hey, it's about Martians attacking Earth, so red will definitely represent the Red Planet right? 2ndly, of course it reminds me of blood & destruction.

2) Country of the Blind by H.G.Wells

Yes, it's H.G.Wells again! Actually I was excited about Penguin's 70th birthday special where they published this series of 70 pocket books (each not more than a 100 pages) of well known Penguin authors. This was only 1 of the few books that I bought for easy reading. Should check it out! This book is no.41 of the series.


Recently, think I'm into some humour (the witty kind) and some light reading. A girl needs a break sometimes from those 'serious' fiction sometimes, you know. Might explore some chick lit...maybe Sophie Kinsella's new book The Undomestic Goddess.

View from Sofra

The other day (Tuesday), I went with Vio to this Turkish cafe restaurant at Shaw Towers (which I heard was not bad) for dinner. We got a window seat which had quite a good view, at least of the new national library building. The food was not too bad (although it didn't actually tally with the pics in the menu) and the service was quite ok. Did some experimenting my phone camera and here's what I got.





Cool?

Second Link: The Singapore-Malaysia Text Exchange

Last night I went to watch this. It was performed by Wild Rice theatre.

Really good! Had fun all the way. Basically, it's like a medley of poems, plays & fiction performed by the group...the transition between each work was done very well & flowed nicely. It's very locally flavoured...very funny. Well, some parts you've got to know about the Singaporean euphemism before you might understand the humour.

The 1st half was the display of some Singapore works, while the 2nd half was that of Malaysian works. The way the 2nd part was performed was rather unique (at least I've never watched 1 like that before); it was tikam tikam style. Before the interval, the players actually went down to the audience to ask them to randomly pick out the sequence of the plays (like a 'draw lots' thingy) to be performed. The players were given 1 hour to play out as many plays as possible in the picked sequence (32 in all). So each performance will be different. The actors were great! Made the 2-3 hours of fly past.

I now have a new, improved view of local theatre and we have good players! We inject a lot of local flavour in our productions which is great & fun! Although, I sometimes wonder why it's usually only the comedies.