pass it over

Have you ever wondered if judgement is a good or bad thing?

I guess, judgement is something that we need in order to size up options and make choices. In that sense, having a sense of judgement is positive. However, when judgement occurs in people-to-people interactions, I am not so sure.

I hate it when I am subject to the scrutiny of judgemental eyes of people. Although I would really like to tell myself to cast off their snooty glances and ignore them, believe me that it is an arduous task. It is akin to me fighting a losing battle against the world. Why is it though that I am so wary, so afraid to be judged? It could boil down to esteem, or the lack of it. It may sound weird, but it is true that I tremble in the face of judgement and this fear grows into an uglier thing called abhorrence. When I come to know that someone may pass a negative judgement on me, whether verbally or otherwise, it is by instinct that I guard myself against this wave of negativity and return it with equal if not more of the same. Yes, it is a vicious cycle, but it is something that arises instinctly, that which cannot be helped, and I venture, is a survival game.

Why am I throwing about such thoughts in my head? There are too many questions left unanswered; I don't have an inquisitive mind although question marks are aplenty. I don't seek answers, but instead hope for release and a sense of closure.

To those who have contributed towards making me feel this way, I know it is wrong of me to say something like this, but I wish unto them double what they have heaved onto me.