2014 thoughts and reflections

Another year has passed and it seemed to have gone by in a flash. Somehow, I am prompted to take measure of the happenings and many thoughts just came to mind.

It has been a whirlwind year and I feel that it was really crazy. Has life become so fast-paced that we can't take a breather? Has the hours shortened or more things are expected as the world advances? In any case, I shall start with a happier mention.

I graduated this year with my new Masters in Arts and Cultural Management. Now thinking back, I wondered how I survived all the evening classes, readings and assignments in the past 1.5 years. I doubt I'll take another degree again, having received a Bachelor and 2 Masters. I must be getting old as it was physically very tiring as compared to my other masters 10 years ago. I was working too then and had to travel to NTU some more. This time, it was in town near my workplace but it felt more tiring. Anyway, I took this 2nd masters for interest and I learned a lot more about the industry. Not that I enjoy studying coz I'm a very lazy person. But I made some good friends along the way, and hope we'll still keep in touch.

I guess the more eventful part of the year would be that I took on a new role at work the day I handed in my thesis. Strange really that it all seemed like such perfect timing. The new role was challenging and I took a few months to settle in it, and am still learning. I took it on out of belief in what our division head had discussed, though the official implementation of the new scope for my role is still pending. I also did it out of passion for where I worked and really hope I can do something for it and the team.
Right now, I'm busier than ever and this year seemed even more than last year at my workplace. It's not really because I took on more duties since I did cover a bit here and there, but there have been more demands, even deadlines till the last day of the year. It's not just me feeling it. However, these past couple of weeks, it dawned on me that I have taken a big risk in that I might not be able to continue my professional track after this and totally forgo what my passion is in. I was also thinking to myself recently and am beginning to have doubts on my career progression (somehow I begin to feel the competition). I never used to think so much about it and hope to prove myself, partially also worrying if I'm a good boss to my staff. Fortunately, though I am still trying to let the thought set in, I was reminded that where I was was where God had put me. And whatever it is, if I have served my purpose and it was time for me to go, I will have to go.  What matters now is that I do my best, not just for myself, but in consideration of others. What I do now will have impact on the team and I really want to make it work, even if difficulties abound. I understand I may not stay here forever and need to groom others too in the event that I move on. Not that I am worried that my staff will overtake me. In fact, I hope to help them plan their progression. Who knows if I will stay on in the organisation in a few years time (not that I have plans to leave) as God may lead me elsewhere.
The only problem I have is my communication skills. I really have poor presentation skills (I get too nervous and am too honest...haha not good at packaging) and can't really deal with customers well especial in dealing with complaints and saying no. These might be my stumbling block.

How do I manage people?

Had a kind of "showdown" session with my staff today. Well, that's exaggerating, but it was more like a feedback session from them. Not the angry kind lah...also because year end review coming, so they wanted to clear the air before that.

They were saying that they don't feel appreciated by me as I don't really tell them so often. Although they still believe that I don't do it intentionally, and it's just the way I communicate.

No, I didn't feel offended or anything, but I think it's good they share with me their feelings rather than have them repressed, this thorn. I believe this thorn has become a sting and whenever I say something that is neutral, it begins to sound negative, which is all a misunderstanding.

I am not a very direct person or good at communicating my thoughts. And I am not expressive. My friends have commented that I am "cold" or seem aloof, and one even referred me to Mona Lisa or even ice queen, not knowing what goes on in my mind. No, I'm not spontaneous and maybe I lag in responding because I analyse too much. Or maybe because I'm just slow in reacting. Is it the detached way of mine?

I don't express much and maybe I don't compliment people much, not because I don't appreciate them. So I began reflecting. Is it my background? My family isn't super strict, but I don't recall compliments coming that easily though. Maybe it was the unsaid. Maybe that's why I also don't receive compliments well; I get caught off guard at how to react when someone compliments me. I only started reminding myself to thank people when they do in recent years and it still feels awkward to me. Am too critical of myself and as such, am critical of others?
Actually, maybe to me the silent way is acknowledging that they are doing okay, and I don't worry about them. However, they want something certain or directional in that sense to know how they are doing. And if I do ask about progress, I really just want to know the progress and what's going on, not really wanting to restrict them but showing interest in what they are doing. Not micro-managing because I do trust them, and when I ask them to do things, I know they can do it, and not just "ordering" them about. Hmm...sometimes I'm also gauging how far to push them.

And maybe I tend to look for solutions and neglect the praise parts. (Sometimes I think in this aspect I'm like a guy? No?) So in my feedback during mid-year I gave more suggestions than acknowledging the good work done, which was maybe why they felt that way too.

I really want the best for my staff. I also want to align them with the overall picture sometimes too, but at the same time not cramp their style. This is a good team and I want to try to develop them and raise their profile. How can I do it better?

New Year Depression

My colleagues and I happened to discuss about New Year depression today, or accurately, it's yesterday on NYE. I don't think I've ever really thought there was such a thing before. Maybe it marks the end of the year before, or regrets of things not fulfilled. Just a moment ago, I suddenly felt a fear of what the new year might bring, with telltale signs or speculations of scenarios from circumstances.
I don't think I've really felt this way before about New Year. Hmm...

Being a Sunday School Teacher

How privileged we are that GOD has entrusted these precious little lives into our hands!
Hope we don't get too caught up in the carrying out of the duties and forget this.

Crying time

I believe once in a while, you need some "crying time". Whether you're stressed at work, stressed at school, having a personal debate or struggle with yourself, or simply the erm...pms, you need to take some time to let it out.

It may not come easy, especially if did not even realise that you needed it or have bottled up things for some time, but you can just trigger it by watching a moving movie or TV show, listening to music or just finding some solitude.

Yup, that's it, you need some solitude to just relax and clear your mind and spirit.

Short reflections on my birthday

Just thought I'll do some reflecting on my birthday.

I feel that it has been a long 1 year since my last birthday, with a new job scope since then and studies this year....has it really been only one year? Many major things have happened at work with its dynamism and new responsibilities. Studies-wise has been draining but fruitful, especially last semester. Hee....this semester a bit slack...must catch up soon!

Well, for today, I totally slacked it off. No going out or partying, just stayed home and did nothing literally, just sleeping (a lot), watched some videos and played candy crush and jewel mania. Only celebration was meeting friends for dinner. I shall leave my assignments till tomorrow!

Must be getting old, or I've been overworking, but even a day of doing nothing seems to make one feel good, except I think I slept too much, so having a bit of stiff neck. Haha!

Missing one like ages

Was just reflecting about having missed service last week and I find that whenever I have to miss service, whether because of travelling, work or some other thing, I find that I feel like I have been away a long time, even though I had only missed 1 session (well, technically 2 weeks away from the community). I guess it might be a good thing since it would mean that it's making a difference.

However, it might also lead to the effect of drawing you into a state of laziness if you're not careful, where you might develop a tendency of not attending church if you do not go in the subsequent week of the break. It is a trick of the devil and we must not forget the importance of attending church (not as a routine or ritual only) as Christians live in a community and there is a need for edification and instruction. Do not for one thing think that you can just study the bible on your own, but you need some revelation and affirmation, lest you tread the wrong path.

Well, what do you think?

In memory of...

How precious life is, how short it can be.

It is a time of grief for the family. He was not fully formed yet, but he had a heartbeat that struggled to stay alive, but in the end, he passed on quietly in his mother's womb. My dear nephew-that-would-have been. 16 weeks old. I can't imagine the pain my brother and sis-in-law is feeling, especially my sis-in-law who tried her best to keep the baby despite all odds. A life in her, a part of her taken away. The pains of a mother. 
I have not met him nor had the chance to see him, but I realised that I can't talk about it too, as I feel tears welling up. What more would the parents feel and even my mum who has seen the ultrasound when he was alive? 心疼.

Today they collected his body when my sis-in-law was discharged. Small it must have been. I wasn't there to see, and I probably can't bear to see. At least he will not be suffering anymore. No more struggling. Rest in peace dear boy. KCK/JCJ. You will be missed. - 姑姑

Weird Hitchhiker

I had a really strange encounter today.

As I stopped and waited at the traffic light round the corner of my house towards the main road, a woman came and knocked on my window (passenger side). I was taken by surprise and wary, but nonetheless, as it was still red light, I grabbed my bag in the seat (you'll never know) and wound the window down slightly to hear what she was saying.

And she actually asked me if I were driving towards Serangoon, Ang Mo Kio or even Thomson. Of course I said no! And wound up my window. It was the truth, but even if it weren't I would still say no. Seriously? Why would I let a stranger into my car, especially in this circumstance? Who knows what she would do? I may sound paranoid, but it was very weird, when the main road was just there, and she could have taken the bus or taxi. What if she whipped out a knife in the car or was some crazy woman? Her mannerism was a bit weird (ok, maybe I'm thinking too much), but IMH isn't that far from my house... And if she were trying to save money, sorry, no way. I didn't even know the person. Very weird.

I'm very selective in whom I give a ride to, especially after a bad experience.

I was glad my doors were locked. Who hitches a ride in Singapore?

Mosaic Music Fest 2013

Due to my school commitments, I only selected a few shows that I could make and fortunately, I felt that both were good choices, though I would have loved to catch more.

Acid House Kings (8 March, 10pm)

There's something about Swedish bands. I heard of this indie pop band from a friend and they were a fun group that had us dancing to their music with their tunes and lyrics. Songs featured included "Say Yes If You Love Me", "Sunday Morning", and "This Heart Is A Stone". Unfortunately, Julia Lannerheim had a bad throat that night and couldn't really sing, but she still went on, drinking a bottle of special mixture (枇杷膏 drink maybe?) in between songs. There were actually 2 sets that evening, but I heard our session was the more hyped show with a more lively audience. Yeah!

Anyway, in the midst of the show, I suddenly felt a sense of liberation. I felt like I had been missing out a lot these days (probably because of my studies) and very deprived of these chances of relaxing and soaking in arts. Ah, music is the best medicine and I miss basking in it.

World's End Girlfriend (16 March, 10pm)
This was a random choice. Maybe it's the name (or the publicity with it being the last few additions to the programme). Or I liked their Starry Starry Night album when I did some research, but I'm glad I chose this. It was quite different from Acid House Kings.

It was a pretty amazing experience. They started off slow, followed by a complex layering of music and tones. There was a gradual build up and before you knew it, they have drawn you into their music, just like that. How do I describe the effect? I was listening listening, and then I realised I became unwittingly "in" the music and it just encapsulates you, like in a universe of music. The music felt so much bigger than oneself, and I felt quite small in the music, like a drop of water in the sea (that's what I meant by being "in" the music).

It was also interesting observing the crowd. Everyone just stood there, enraptured in the moment, fixated on the band, almost like everyone was holding his/her breath. Maybe also it was almost a whole hour of non-stop playing, with the most a 2 or 3 few seconds break in between.

AND THEY NEVER SPOKE A WORD! Well, maybe if they did, it would have "broken the spell". The band just came out, played their music, bowed and went back in, without an encore. The audience hung around for a while, to see if they came out again, but no. They were an all-string band with 3 guitars, 1 cello and a violin, except 1 set of drums plus laptop; an interesting set-up for a band. Believe it or not, I was quite inspired to pick up my violin again after this performance.
And yes, the lead had long hair that he flipped from time to time.