Not feeling, not caring

It's been about a month since I submitted my 'resume for the future'.
I don't know if it's really myself leaving things in God's hands or I have reached the stage of resignation. I wouldn't say I'm still in the handover mood (but I wished I could really hand over), but I'm just doing stuff that is more like clearing things up in prep of what may come; completing legacy projects.

I think it's really scary to say that I don't care anymore. I feel guilty about it as I shouldn't be, at least for the sake of my staff. No, I wouldn't say I no longer have a passion for the arts or belief in the place I work, but I'm more like ”heck care all these corporate woes” and ”what's the point of it all”? Maybe I don't know how to manage people. Maybe I'm just tired. Today I had another session with staff about workplan. Taking in their comments, this time round I actually didn't feel anything. Am I numb? Previously I often took it to heart the things they say and concerned if I'm doing the things right for them and trying to seeing their perspective. And I get upset when it seems like we're not getting anywhere and that I've let them down. Today, I just didn't feel anything. Maybe I don't care anymore? I'm also afraid that I'm mistrusting them. Maybe I'm being paranoid but I wonder if they've been talking about me behind my back or have been avoiding me except for work.

Maybe I've let go and the step I took was really my step of faith in leaving it in God's hands and that's where I get my peace from, to just continue doing things till God calls. Really, I started not bothering when I submitted my resume. I've been looking out for open doors within the organisation but I've also drafted my exit letter if God is calling me outside (it's just missing the date). Honestly, I'm just going about doing the necessary and to complete 2 major projects that should end in July. Maybe that is when God will call me to move.

About openings in the organisation. I have not come across something that speaks to me, i.e. God saying 'take this'. In my past moves, it seemed very clear and inevitable. I also feel unqualified for some of the interesting ones. However, I just heard some news that maybe I can consider but it isn't really something that I had wanted to go into as it's not developing me in the field I want to. But it is something I think I can do ok in, something administrative. I also don't want to use it as the chance to escape but leave soon after which isn't responsible. I wish for a clearer sign or hint from God so that I may know the step to take. I feel that I might have missed some opportunities earlier but at that point, I felt the need to finish up some legacy projects and complete my 2-year term. I hope I got that right. Come to think of it, the following week will be the fulfillment of my 2 years in this current position. I hope that it is also the drawing closer of the end of 1 phase and the start to a fresh beginning. Maybe something will happen then?

Missing Out

It's been almost 2 years and I feel drained and burnt out. Maybe it's poor time management, maybe it's just loss of passion or simply age, but I've never felt so tired.

Ever since I took on a managerial role, I feel I've lost many things and while I took it on as a learning experience, I guess I'm not really cut out for it to lead in this manner and my strongest desire is to relinquish my position and to return to developing myself professionally as a librarian. I won't say I'm giving up or don't care anymore (oh well, maybe a little), but I feel I have done what I can do for the department and it is time for me to move on. Inevitably, I had to ask myself - why did I join the organisation in the first place? Because I wanted to be a librarian. I never hankered for a managerial position as I am not the ambitious sort, and my concept of progression is to learn new things in my role as a librarian and progress in that direction.

My current position has more or less killed what little creativity I had with all the administration and operational woes that comes with it. I have less bandwidth to think outside. What I miss doing:

- solitude time to reflect, especially with God
- reading
- dabbling in music
- watching performances
- watching movies
- meeting up with friends
- writing/blogging
- sleeping
- exercising (ok, this is not really true, but I do wished I could do more of this)
- thinking
- shopping

I'm taking each day at a time.

What is my purpose now in the organization?

Anyway, I've been looking for an open door which will lead me out of this situation. I believe I have served my time and need to move on before I "kill" myself with this unhappiness. I believe I have a calling elsewhere eventually so what's the next step? While I am first looking within the organisation, if God calls me elsewhere, I will not hesitate to go. Actually, when such things happen, it is usually an indication from God that it's time to move. He wouldn't ruffle things up like this. Of course, before I move on, I would like to complete a project that I have on hand which should end when I reach my 2-year term as a manager.

Actually I foresee a future possibility where I could serve God. This is a place outside my current organisation but the place does not exist yet. Hence I believe that there might be a place within the organisation I would need to go to first before going to this new place.

The future place I'm talking about is a place which is a dream of our SP that he shared last year and it struck a chord in my heart. It made me ponder if that was really why God has brought me through the various places so far. I had shared this with my cell leader and unexpectedly, she acted upon it for me. One thing led to another and I just did something that I'm actually quite nervous about because after that, I recalled that God has the tendency to suddenly uproot me and put me in a new place before I know it, as in my previous 2 career moves. If it is God's will, I will follow, but I'm really nervous as I consider the things I will need to give up and explain to my parents. However, this Sunday, I suddenly don't have the restlessness I've been feeling in the past few weeks. Over the weeks, I had been very contemplative and had been having the strong urge and sensing that God is bringing me somewhere and the calling He has for me. This feeling was the strongest during service like a voice calling from my soul. But this week, I don't feel it anymore especially after what I've done...is it a sign that I've done the right thing and am finding peace, leaving it with God's hands?

Strangely, I am in a handover mood these days, doing things with a view that I won't be where I am in a few months time even though there is no firm knowledge of where I'll be then. I've never felt this even in the days when I moved earlier. Is it something in me that is preparing me for the unseen future? Whether it is in the current organisation or not, I realise that with the amount of leave I've accumulated, I don't even need to serve any notice if I were to leave and can leave immediately.

2016 New Year Resolutions

The year just flew past.

While there were many challenges, there were also new discoveries/recalling of meaning and purposes.

I hope the new year will bring more time for myself and God; to take things at a better pace for me to do some searching and relax.

My resolutions:
1) to knock off on time at least 50% of the time
2) to watch at least 5 movies
3) to watch more performances
4) get back to reviewing shows
5) work on my music
6) read more
7) exercise

Oh man, looking at this makes me realise what kind of (no) life I've been having.

2014 thoughts and reflections

Another year has passed and it seemed to have gone by in a flash. Somehow, I am prompted to take measure of the happenings and many thoughts just came to mind.

It has been a whirlwind year and I feel that it was really crazy. Has life become so fast-paced that we can't take a breather? Has the hours shortened or more things are expected as the world advances? In any case, I shall start with a happier mention.

I graduated this year with my new Masters in Arts and Cultural Management. Now thinking back, I wondered how I survived all the evening classes, readings and assignments in the past 1.5 years. I doubt I'll take another degree again, having received a Bachelor and 2 Masters. I must be getting old as it was physically very tiring as compared to my other masters 10 years ago. I was working too then and had to travel to NTU some more. This time, it was in town near my workplace but it felt more tiring. Anyway, I took this 2nd masters for interest and I learned a lot more about the industry. Not that I enjoy studying coz I'm a very lazy person. But I made some good friends along the way, and hope we'll still keep in touch.

I guess the more eventful part of the year would be that I took on a new role at work the day I handed in my thesis. Strange really that it all seemed like such perfect timing. The new role was challenging and I took a few months to settle in it, and am still learning. I took it on out of belief in what our division head had discussed, though the official implementation of the new scope for my role is still pending. I also did it out of passion for where I worked and really hope I can do something for it and the team.
Right now, I'm busier than ever and this year seemed even more than last year at my workplace. It's not really because I took on more duties since I did cover a bit here and there, but there have been more demands, even deadlines till the last day of the year. It's not just me feeling it. However, these past couple of weeks, it dawned on me that I have taken a big risk in that I might not be able to continue my professional track after this and totally forgo what my passion is in. I was also thinking to myself recently and am beginning to have doubts on my career progression (somehow I begin to feel the competition). I never used to think so much about it and hope to prove myself, partially also worrying if I'm a good boss to my staff. Fortunately, though I am still trying to let the thought set in, I was reminded that where I was was where God had put me. And whatever it is, if I have served my purpose and it was time for me to go, I will have to go.  What matters now is that I do my best, not just for myself, but in consideration of others. What I do now will have impact on the team and I really want to make it work, even if difficulties abound. I understand I may not stay here forever and need to groom others too in the event that I move on. Not that I am worried that my staff will overtake me. In fact, I hope to help them plan their progression. Who knows if I will stay on in the organisation in a few years time (not that I have plans to leave) as God may lead me elsewhere.
The only problem I have is my communication skills. I really have poor presentation skills (I get too nervous and am too honest...haha not good at packaging) and can't really deal with customers well especial in dealing with complaints and saying no. These might be my stumbling block.

How do I manage people?

Had a kind of "showdown" session with my staff today. Well, that's exaggerating, but it was more like a feedback session from them. Not the angry kind lah...also because year end review coming, so they wanted to clear the air before that.

They were saying that they don't feel appreciated by me as I don't really tell them so often. Although they still believe that I don't do it intentionally, and it's just the way I communicate.

No, I didn't feel offended or anything, but I think it's good they share with me their feelings rather than have them repressed, this thorn. I believe this thorn has become a sting and whenever I say something that is neutral, it begins to sound negative, which is all a misunderstanding.

I am not a very direct person or good at communicating my thoughts. And I am not expressive. My friends have commented that I am "cold" or seem aloof, and one even referred me to Mona Lisa or even ice queen, not knowing what goes on in my mind. No, I'm not spontaneous and maybe I lag in responding because I analyse too much. Or maybe because I'm just slow in reacting. Is it the detached way of mine?

I don't express much and maybe I don't compliment people much, not because I don't appreciate them. So I began reflecting. Is it my background? My family isn't super strict, but I don't recall compliments coming that easily though. Maybe it was the unsaid. Maybe that's why I also don't receive compliments well; I get caught off guard at how to react when someone compliments me. I only started reminding myself to thank people when they do in recent years and it still feels awkward to me. Am too critical of myself and as such, am critical of others?
Actually, maybe to me the silent way is acknowledging that they are doing okay, and I don't worry about them. However, they want something certain or directional in that sense to know how they are doing. And if I do ask about progress, I really just want to know the progress and what's going on, not really wanting to restrict them but showing interest in what they are doing. Not micro-managing because I do trust them, and when I ask them to do things, I know they can do it, and not just "ordering" them about. Hmm...sometimes I'm also gauging how far to push them.

And maybe I tend to look for solutions and neglect the praise parts. (Sometimes I think in this aspect I'm like a guy? No?) So in my feedback during mid-year I gave more suggestions than acknowledging the good work done, which was maybe why they felt that way too.

I really want the best for my staff. I also want to align them with the overall picture sometimes too, but at the same time not cramp their style. This is a good team and I want to try to develop them and raise their profile. How can I do it better?

New Year Depression

My colleagues and I happened to discuss about New Year depression today, or accurately, it's yesterday on NYE. I don't think I've ever really thought there was such a thing before. Maybe it marks the end of the year before, or regrets of things not fulfilled. Just a moment ago, I suddenly felt a fear of what the new year might bring, with telltale signs or speculations of scenarios from circumstances.
I don't think I've really felt this way before about New Year. Hmm...

Being a Sunday School Teacher

How privileged we are that GOD has entrusted these precious little lives into our hands!
Hope we don't get too caught up in the carrying out of the duties and forget this.

Crying time

I believe once in a while, you need some "crying time". Whether you're stressed at work, stressed at school, having a personal debate or struggle with yourself, or simply the erm...pms, you need to take some time to let it out.

It may not come easy, especially if did not even realise that you needed it or have bottled up things for some time, but you can just trigger it by watching a moving movie or TV show, listening to music or just finding some solitude.

Yup, that's it, you need some solitude to just relax and clear your mind and spirit.

Short reflections on my birthday

Just thought I'll do some reflecting on my birthday.

I feel that it has been a long 1 year since my last birthday, with a new job scope since then and studies this year....has it really been only one year? Many major things have happened at work with its dynamism and new responsibilities. Studies-wise has been draining but fruitful, especially last semester. Hee....this semester a bit slack...must catch up soon!

Well, for today, I totally slacked it off. No going out or partying, just stayed home and did nothing literally, just sleeping (a lot), watched some videos and played candy crush and jewel mania. Only celebration was meeting friends for dinner. I shall leave my assignments till tomorrow!

Must be getting old, or I've been overworking, but even a day of doing nothing seems to make one feel good, except I think I slept too much, so having a bit of stiff neck. Haha!

Missing one like ages

Was just reflecting about having missed service last week and I find that whenever I have to miss service, whether because of travelling, work or some other thing, I find that I feel like I have been away a long time, even though I had only missed 1 session (well, technically 2 weeks away from the community). I guess it might be a good thing since it would mean that it's making a difference.

However, it might also lead to the effect of drawing you into a state of laziness if you're not careful, where you might develop a tendency of not attending church if you do not go in the subsequent week of the break. It is a trick of the devil and we must not forget the importance of attending church (not as a routine or ritual only) as Christians live in a community and there is a need for edification and instruction. Do not for one thing think that you can just study the bible on your own, but you need some revelation and affirmation, lest you tread the wrong path.

Well, what do you think?